Appendix B: Quick Reference Cards
These compact reference cards summarize the most practically applicable frameworks from each part of the book. Use them for in-the-moment reference — when you need the model quickly, without returning to the full chapter.
Card 1 — Cognitive Distortion Reference
(Chapter 4, 32)
| Distortion | Description | Example | Reframe question |
|---|---|---|---|
| All-or-nothing thinking | Black-and-white; no middle ground | "If I'm not perfect I've failed." | "What is the gray area here?" |
| Catastrophizing | Worst case is assumed | "This presentation will end my career." | "What is the realistic range of outcomes?" |
| Mind reading | Assuming you know others' thoughts | "They think I'm incompetent." | "What is the evidence? What else might they be thinking?" |
| Fortune telling | Predicting negative future | "I won't be able to handle it." | "What is my actual track record with similar challenges?" |
| Overgeneralization | One event = universal pattern | "I always mess this up." | "Always? What are the counter-examples?" |
| Personalization | Everything is your fault | "They're upset because of me." | "What other factors could explain this?" |
| Emotional reasoning | Feelings = facts | "I feel worthless, therefore I am." | "Is this a fact or a feeling?" |
| Should statements | Rigid rules producing guilt | "I should be able to handle this without help." | "Says who? Is this rule helpful?" |
| Magnification/minimization | Amplifying negatives, shrinking positives | "That positive feedback doesn't count." | "Would I apply this standard to a friend?" |
| Labeling | Attaching global negative labels | "I'm a failure." | "I did a specific thing in a specific situation. What does that say about this situation?" |
Card 2 — Cialdini's 7 Principles of Influence
(Chapter 35)
| Principle | Mechanism | Recognition signal | Ethical use |
|---|---|---|---|
| Reciprocity | Obligation to return favors | Someone gives you something before asking for something | Give genuinely without strings; be aware of uninvited gifts as influence |
| Commitment/Consistency | Prior commitments create pressure to align future behavior | "You said you valued X, so..." | Start with small genuine asks; be aware of escalation traps |
| Social Proof | Others' behavior as information about correct action | "Everyone is doing X" | Use accurately; most powerful for similar others in uncertainty |
| Authority | Expertise cues create deference | Titles, credentials, confident presentation | Establish genuine expertise; question credentials with unverified authority claims |
| Liking | We comply more with people we like | Similarity-mirroring, flattery, familiarity | Genuine relationship-building; be aware of liking bypassing argument evaluation |
| Scarcity | Limited availability increases value | "Only X left," "Limited time" | Communicate genuine scarcity only; check if deadline is real |
| Unity | In-group identity creates compliance | "As one of us..." | Build genuine shared identity; recognize tribal appeals |
Card 3 — Attachment Style Quick Reference
(Chapter 15)
| Style | Internal model | Relationship pattern | Under stress | Key phrase |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | "I am worthy; others are reliable" | Comfortable with intimacy and independence | Seeks comfort effectively; returns to baseline | "I can reach out and I can be alone." |
| Anxious | "I am worthy IF others confirm it; others may leave" | Hypervigilant to abandonment signals; seeks reassurance | Escalates contact-seeking; difficulty self-soothing | "Are we okay? Are we still okay?" |
| Avoidant | "I am okay alone; others are unreliable/threatening" | Deactivates intimacy; maintains independence | Withdraws further; dismisses emotional needs | "I don't need anything from you." |
| Disorganized | "Connection is both needed and dangerous" | Approaches and retreats; unpredictable under stress | Collapse of coherent strategy; intense fear responses | "Come here, go away." |
Earning security: Corrective relational experiences (relationships that repeatedly disconfirm the working model's worst-case predictions) produce earned security over time.
Card 4 — Communication Formulas
(Chapter 16, 17)
The XYZ Formula: "When you [X], I feel [Y], because [Z]." - X = specific observable behavior (not "when you're disrespectful" — "when you interrupt me mid-sentence") - Y = emotion word, not evaluation ("I feel dismissed" — not "I feel like you're rude") - Z = the connection to your needs or values
The Gottman Softened Startup: Begin with a complaint, not a criticism. - Complaint: "I get anxious when we haven't discussed next week's plans by Friday." (About the situation) - Criticism: "You never plan ahead. You're so disorganized." (About the person)
Active Listening Response: 1. Reflect content: "So what you're saying is..." 2. Reflect emotion: "And it sounds like you're feeling..." 3. Check accuracy: "Am I hearing you right?" 4. Do NOT: offer solution, reassure prematurely, share your similar experience, or defend before fully hearing
Repair Attempt Phrases: - "I'm feeling flooded. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?" - "I'm hearing you as critical right now. Is that what you mean?" - "Can I try that again? I didn't say that the way I meant it." - "I think we're both right about part of this."
Card 5 — SDT Motivation Continuum
(Chapter 7, 22)
| Type | Why | Experience | Wellbeing effect |
|---|---|---|---|
| Amotivation | No reason | Absence of intention | Negative |
| External regulation | Reward/punishment | Controlled, pressured | Negative |
| Introjection | Ego protection, shame avoidance | Anxious, contingent | Mixed-negative |
| Identification | Personal importance | Volitional, valued | Positive |
| Integration | Consistent with values/identity | Autonomous, whole | Positive |
| Intrinsic | Inherently interesting/enjoyable | Engaged, vital | Positive |
Autonomy-supportive conditions: - Provide rationale for requests - Acknowledge the other's perspective - Minimize pressure and control - Offer choice where possible - Expect self-initiation
Card 6 — Groupthink Warning Signs
(Chapter 37)
8 symptoms (Janis): 1. Illusion of invulnerability — excessive optimism, ignoring risk 2. Collective rationalization — discounting warnings and negative data 3. Belief in inherent morality — "We're the good guys, this must be right" 4. Stereotyped out-groups — dismissing opposing views as inferior 5. Pressure on dissenters — silencing those who raise concerns 6. Self-censorship — members withhold doubts to maintain consensus 7. Illusion of unanimity — silence is interpreted as agreement 8. Self-appointed mindguards — members filter information reaching the group
Preventive structures: - Pre-meeting written input (anonymous) before discussion - Rotating devil's advocate / concerns-advocate role - Leader withholds preference until others have spoken - Closing question: "Is there anything we haven't fully considered?" (30-second silence after) - Invite outside expert to challenge assumptions before decision is finalized
Card 7 — Sleep Hygiene Essentials
(Chapter 30)
Two biological regulators: - Sleep pressure (adenosine accumulation — builds during waking) - Circadian rhythm (24-hour clock — set by light exposure)
Non-negotiables: - Consistent wake time 7 days/week (most important) - Screen-free bedroom (phone charges elsewhere) - Room dark and cool (65–68°F / 18–20°C) - Screen-free buffer 30–60 min before sleep
Caffeine: - Half-life ~5–7 hours - 1:00 PM cutoff for most people - Quarter dose still in system at midnight for 1:00 PM intake
For 3 AM waking: - If awake 20+ minutes: get up, do quiet non-stimulating activity, return when sleepy - Write the thought (don't try to solve it) - Stimulus control: bed = sleep only
Social jetlag: - Weekend sleep timing drift undermines weekday sleep quality - Limit weekend timing variation to <1 hour from weekday
Card 8 — Prejudice Reduction Evidence Summary
(Chapter 36)
| Approach | Evidence | Conditions | Limitations |
|---|---|---|---|
| Optimal intergroup contact | Strong | Equal status, cooperative interdependence, personal acquaintance, institutional support | Conditions hard to create; contact without conditions can increase prejudice |
| Perspective-taking | Moderate | Active imagination of out-group member's experience | Temporary effects; can backfire with high-prejudice individuals |
| Implementation intentions | Moderate | Pre-commit to respond in non-stereotyping way when stereotype is triggered | Requires motivation to engage; doesn't work for all contexts |
| Common in-group identity | Moderate | Reframe in-group boundary to include out-group member | May feel threatening to original in-group identity |
| Structural/institutional change | Strong for discrimination (vs. attitudes) | Policy level: blind review, structured evaluation criteria | Doesn't directly address implicit attitudes |
| Awareness of own bias | Weak alone | Self-knowledge without behavior change | Self-knowledge ≠ behavior change without behavioral practice |
Most consistent finding: Single interventions produce small, temporary effects. Sustained structural changes at decision points produce more reliable behavior change.
Card 9 — Digital Behavior Quick Reference
(Chapter 39)
The attention economy basics: - User attention = product sold to advertisers - Engagement optimization ≠ wellbeing optimization - Variable-ratio reinforcement drives compulsive checking
Evidence-based interventions:
| Problem | Evidence-based response |
|---|---|
| Notification overload | Disable all non-urgent push notifications; check on schedule |
| Morning phone-first habit | Charge phone in another room; use alarm clock |
| Sleep disruption from screens | Screen-free buffer 30–60 min before sleep |
| Cognitive performance reduction | Phone in different room during demanding work (not just face-down) |
| Passive social comparison | Audit follows; remove negative comparison accounts; shift to active use |
| Attention fragmentation | Temporal containment: social media designated windows only |
Values-first audit: For each digital tool: Does this tool's benefits substantially outweigh its costs relative to what I actually value? Use it only if yes.
Card 10 — The Practice Architecture Summary
(Chapter 40)
Three levels: - Contemplative: Journaling, reflection, values review, narrative examination - Relational: Protected connection time, disclosure practice, repair initiation, receiving practice - Environmental: Physical space, digital management, time structure, social cue architecture
Daily (10–20 min): Morning: What kind of person do I want to be today? Evening: What did I observe? What would I do differently?
Weekly (60–90 min): One domain review + values alignment check + connection investment
Monthly: Domain review + practice audit
Quarterly: Values review + narrative review + WOOP
Relapse response (design in advance): "When I miss [practice] for [X days], I will immediately [micro-action]."
The single most important principle: Design the environment first. Motivation is the supplement, not the foundation.
These reference cards are available as a printable PDF at the book's companion resource page. Laminate the ones you use most frequently.