Chapter 22 — Exercises

These exercises are a gym, not a test. The chapter asked you to rethink what friendship is — to trade the fast, broad Western model for an awareness of a slower, deeper one built on an inside–outside line. So most of what follows asks you to examine your own friendship instincts before applying anything abroad. Work them honestly; the discomfort of "wait, is my way of making friends actually shallow?" is the lens coming into focus.

Selected answers and sample responses appear in Appendix: Answers to Selected Exercises. Exercises marked with ✍️ feed directly into your Cultural Intelligence Portfolio.

Part A — Check Your Understanding

Short answers in your own words. If you can't answer one, reread the matching section before moving on.

  1. Explain the inside vs. outside distinction in two sentences. Why does the same Eastern person treat outsiders and insiders so differently?
  2. The chapter says Eastern friendship is "slow to form and hard to break." Give the two underlying reasons for the slowness (one rooted in obligation, one rooted in face).
  3. List the five concrete pathways from acquaintance to friend the chapter describes. Which one does it call the "single most underrated friendship skill"?
  4. Why is accepting a favor — not just doing them — described as "participation" rather than weakness in Eastern friendship?
  5. A new acquaintance asks how much you earn. Restate, fairly, why this is often warmth rather than rudeness in many Eastern cultures.
  6. When an Eastern friend insists on paying the whole bill, what are the two moves the chapter tells you to combine? Why does "let's just split it" short-circuit the system?
  7. Name the three pillars of cross-cultural friendship from the Framework box, and define "showing up" in one sentence.

Part B — Check Your Assumptions

The core skill: catching your own friendship culture pretending to be common sense. For each statement below, decide whether it describes a human universal or a WEIRD / Western cultural preference about friendship. Then write one sentence on how a different culture might see it.

  1. "You can become real friends with someone within a few weeks of meeting them."
  2. "A good friend never imposes — you should avoid asking friends for big favors."
  3. "Money, salary, and weight are private and it's rude to ask about them."
  4. "Splitting the bill evenly is the fair, grown-up way to handle a meal with friends."
  5. "It's normal and healthy to have a large, loose circle of casual 'friends.'"
  6. "You shouldn't have to attend every wedding and funeral of people you're not that close to."

The point is not that the Western view is wrong. Each statement feels like obvious good sense and is in fact a specific cultural position. Noticing the feeling — "but that's just true" — is the entire exercise.

Part C — Decode This

Each item is a real cross-cultural moment. Write what the Western reader probably assumes it means, then a plausible alternative meaning inside an Eastern operating system.

  1. You've been warm and friendly to your new Japanese coworkers for two months, but no one has become a "real friend" yet and they remain politely formal.
  2. A Korean colleague you barely know asks your age within minutes of meeting, then seems to relax once you've told him.
  3. At dinner with a Chinese client who's become friendly, you reach for the bill and he physically takes it from your hand, almost annoyed, and pays the whole thing.
  4. An Indian friend you helped move last month keeps calling you to ask for small favors — a ride, a recommendation, help with a form — far more than your Western friends ever would.

Part D — What Would You Do?

Real situations, each with several responses. There is no single "correct" answer — pick the response closest to your instinct, then write why a culturally humble person might choose differently.

1. The lonely posting. You're three months into a job in Seoul (or Shanghai, or Mumbai) and have many pleasant acquaintances but no close friends, and it's getting you down. Do you (a) conclude the locals are cold and retreat to expat friends only; (b) try harder to "make friends fast" the way you would at home — more invitations, more charm; (c) commit to consistency: say yes to every meal and after-work drink, join the same regular gatherings, and let time work; (d) ask a friendly colleague directly how friendships usually form here? What does each option signal, and which best fits the inside–outside, slow-deep model?

2. The salary question. A new Chinese friend asks, cheerfully, exactly how much you earn and what your rent is. Do you (a) answer fully and honestly, since they asked; (b) say coolly "I'd rather not discuss that"; (c) deflect warmly with a smile and a light non-answer, keeping the temperature high; (d) get visibly uncomfortable and change the subject? Which protects both your boundary and the relationship — and what does (b) accidentally communicate?

3. The bill battle. Your Korean friend, who is older than you, insists on paying for the third meal in a row, and you're starting to feel like a freeloader. Do you (a) fight hard for the bill this time, grabbing it before he can; (b) insist on splitting it down the middle going forward; (c) let him pay graciously this time, then make sure you arrange and pay for the next outing yourself; (d) stop accepting meal invitations so you don't owe anything? Which keeps the reciprocity current flowing, and why are (a) and (b) both subtly wrong here?

4. The funeral. A colleague you're friendly-with-but-not-close-to in your Eastern workplace loses a parent. The funeral is on a Saturday, two hours away, and you barely knew the parent. Do you (a) send a card and skip it — you weren't that close; (b) attend, because showing up at the hard moments is how friendship is demonstrated here; (c) ask a mutual colleague whether attending would be appropriate or excessive; (d) make a donation instead of going? What does attendance signal in a relationship-first culture, and what might absence signal?

Part E — Cultural Translation

For each move below, write two versions: a direct/Western version (how you'd naturally handle it with a Western friend) and an Eastern-adapted version (how you'd handle it to honor the inside–outside, reciprocity, face-aware system). Notice what each version protects.

  1. A friend has just insisted on paying for an expensive dinner.
  2. You want to get closer to a reserved Eastern colleague you'd like as a real friend.
  3. A new acquaintance asks why you're not married yet.

Part F — Reflection & Extension

  1. Which building do you live in? The chapter contrasts the American "lobby" model of friendship with the Eastern "private rooms" model. Write a page honestly assessing your own friendships: are they broad and light, few and deep, or a mix? What does your pattern cost you, and what does it buy you? There are no wrong answers — only an honest map.
  2. A reverse mirror. Find one Western friendship habit that an Easterner might reasonably call "shallow," "cold," or "transactional" — fast first-name friendliness, going Dutch on every bill, keeping favors carefully balanced so as never to owe anyone, calling someone you met last week a "friend." Describe it as an anthropologist would: neutrally, with its internal logic, the way this book tries to describe Eastern practices.

✍️ Portfolio Builder. In your Cultural Intelligence Portfolio, create a section titled "The Reciprocity Ledger." Pick one real relationship with someone from your chosen culture. Honestly list: the last three things they did for you (a meal paid, a favor, showing up to something) and the last three things you did for them. Is the current flowing both ways, or have you been mostly receiving — or mostly refusing? Write one specific, concrete action you'll take in the next month to balance the ledger and move one step further inside. You'll revisit this page later in the book and see whether the current got stronger.