Exercises — Chapter 16: Communication That Actually Works

Part A: Foundations of Communication

Exercise 1: The Transmission vs. Transactional Model

A) Describe a recent miscommunication in your own life — a situation where you said something that was not received as you intended, or where you received something differently than the speaker intended. Analyze the failure using the transmission model (what went wrong with the signal?) and then the transactional model (what contributed to the divergence in meaning?).

B) The transactional model proposes that meaning is co-constructed rather than transmitted. What does this mean for where responsibility lies when communication fails? Does it distribute responsibility differently than the transmission model does?

C) Give one example of a situation in which context shaped the meaning of communication more than the words themselves — where the same words would have meant something completely different in a different relational or situational context.

Exercise 2: The Three Channels

A) For three days, pay deliberate attention to the three communication channels (verbal, paraverbal, nonverbal) in your own interactions and in conversations you observe. Note two instances where the channels were congruent and two where they were incongruent. What was the effect of each?

B) Recall a recent conversation where you said something that was received very differently from what you intended. Looking back, what were your paraverbal and nonverbal signals doing during that communication? Is it possible that those channels contradicted your verbal message?

C) Practice congruence: In one conversation this week, make a deliberate effort to ensure that your tone and body language match the emotional content of what you are saying. Notice whether the conversation feels different from your usual interactions.

Part B: Listening

Exercise 3: The Active Listening Audit

A) Rate yourself honestly on each component of active listening (1 = rarely practice this, 5 = practice this regularly):

B) Which of the listening barriers described in the chapter (rehearsal, filtering, jumping to conclusions, emotional triggering, status) most consistently interferes with your listening? Give a specific example from a recent conversation.

C) Practice: In one significant conversation this week, commit to not speaking until you can accurately summarize what the other person just said. Notice how this changes the conversation and your experience of listening.

Exercise 4: The Listening Practice

Find a conversation partner (a friend, roommate, partner, colleague) and try the following exercise. Each person takes 4 minutes to speak about something that matters to them. The listener's only job is to listen — no advice, no solutions, no redirecting. After the speaker finishes, the listener reflects: "What I heard you saying is..." The speaker confirms or corrects the reflection.

A) What was it like to be fully listened to — or not?

B) What was it like to listen without preparing a response?

C) What did you hear that you might have missed in a normal conversation?

Part C: Defensive Communication

Exercise 5: Gibb's Climate Assessment

A) Think of a relationship (work, family, romantic, friendship) where communication often feels defensive — where you or the other person frequently feels criticized, judged, or controlled. Using Gibb's six dimensions, identify which defensive communication behaviors are most common in that relationship.

B) For each defensive behavior you identified, describe what the corresponding supportive behavior would look like in that specific relationship context. Not theoretically — what would it actually sound like?

C) Choose one defensive communication habit you notice in yourself (evaluation, control, certainty, etc.) and commit to practicing the supportive alternative in one conversation this week. Report what happens.

Exercise 6: Complaint vs. Criticism

A) Write five examples of criticism (global, characterological) that you have either said or heard in a close relationship. For each, rewrite it as a complaint (specific, behavioral, about a particular event).

B) What is the effect of making this translation? What does it feel like to receive each version?

C) Identify one relationship where the criticism-complaint boundary has most eroded — where complaints have accumulated into character verdicts. What would it take to reset to specific, behavioral complaints rather than global judgments?

Exercise 7: The Four Horsemen

A) For each of Gottman's Four Horsemen, identify a specific example from your own experience — either as the person using the behavior or the person receiving it: - Criticism (attacking character): - Contempt (conveying disgust or superiority): - Defensiveness (counter-attack or excuse-making): - Stonewalling (shutting down or withdrawing):

B) For each Horseman, identify which antidote is most relevant to your specific relational context: - For criticism: practice gentle start-up (I-statements, specific behavior, no character judgments) - For contempt: build a culture of appreciation (replace negative sentiment bank with positive) - For defensiveness: find the valid point in the concern and acknowledge it - For stonewalling: learn to recognize flooding and take a physiological break

C) Which Horseman most commonly shows up in your closest relationship? What triggers it? What happens immediately before the pattern begins?

Part D: Feelings and Needs

Exercise 8: NVC Practice — Observation

A) Convert the following evaluations into observations: - "You never listen to me." - "She's always being manipulative." - "He's impossible to work with." - "You don't care about this project." - "They're being deliberately difficult."

B) For each evaluation, what specific behavior might lie behind the global judgment? What would you have needed to observe to arrive at the evaluation?

C) For one week, practice catching yourself before making a global evaluation and replacing it with a specific observation. Note how this changes your internal experience and your communication.

Exercise 9: The Feelings Layer

A) Many people conflate feelings with thoughts (pseudo-feelings that assign blame to others). Identify which of the following are genuine feelings and which are pseudo-feelings: - "I feel like you don't care." - "I felt hurt." - "I feel misunderstood." - "I felt scared." - "I feel like you're taking advantage of me." - "I feel frustrated." - "I feel betrayed."

B) For the pseudo-feelings, rewrite them as genuine feelings (focused on your own internal state rather than the other person's behavior or intentions).

C) Think of a recent conversation where you wanted to communicate an emotional experience but didn't fully. What was the actual feeling? What prevented it from being expressed?

Exercise 10: The Full NVC Statement

Choose a recurring situation in a close relationship where you have an unmet need. Write a complete NVC statement:

1. Observation: "When [specific, observable behavior, without evaluation]..."
2. Feeling: "I feel [genuine emotion word]..."
3. Need: "...because I need [underlying universal need]..."
4. Request: "Would you be willing to [specific, doable, positive action]?"

After writing it, assess: - Is the observation specific and behavioral (not evaluative)? - Is the feeling a genuine feeling word (not a thought or blame)? - Is the need a genuine human need (not a disguised solution)? - Is the request specific, positive, and genuinely a request (not a demand)?

Part E: Difficult Conversations

Exercise 11: The Three Conversations

A) Identify a difficult conversation you have been avoiding — one that genuinely needs to happen. Analyze it through Stone, Patton, and Heen's three-layer framework:

Layer 1 — The "what happened" story: What is your account of what happened? What might the other person's account be? What information do you have that they don't, and vice versa?

Layer 2 — The feelings story: What feelings are involved in this situation for you? Have they been expressed? What feelings might the other person have?

Layer 3 — The identity story: What identity concern might this conversation activate for you? For the other person? What does each of you need to hear to feel that your identity is not being condemned?

B) What would change about how you approached the conversation if you kept all three layers in mind simultaneously?

C) Design a brief opening for this conversation that addresses all three layers — one that signals you are here to understand as well as to be understood, that acknowledges your own feelings, and that anticipates and preemptively addresses the identity threat for the other person.

Exercise 12: Preparation Protocol

Before having a difficult conversation, work through the following:

1. Purpose: What is this conversation actually for? What am I trying to accomplish?
2. My account: What do I believe happened? What is my interpretation?
3. Their account: What might their account be? What information do they have that I don't?
4. My feelings: What am I feeling, specifically? Have I named it, even to myself?
5. My needs: What do I actually need from this conversation?
6. Identity threat for me: What am I afraid this conversation might confirm about me?
7. Identity threat for them: What might this conversation threaten for them?
8. My opening: How will I begin in a way that signals curiosity rather than accusation?

Apply this protocol to the conversation you identified in Exercise 11.

Part F: Assertiveness

Exercise 13: Your Communication Style Map

A) Which of the four communication styles (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, assertive) do you most commonly use, overall?

B) Now map by relationship and context:

C) What patterns do you notice? Where does your style serve you well? Where does it cost you?

Exercise 14: Saying No

A) Identify one person or context where you consistently say yes when you mean no. What is the pattern?

B) Write three different ways of declining the request that are direct, honest, and respectful — without lengthy justification or apology:

Version 1 (brief, direct): Version 2 (with brief acknowledgment of the request): Version 3 (offering an alternative):

C) Practice one of these versions this week in a real situation. Report what happened.

Exercise 15: The I-Statement Practice

Write I-statements for the following situations. Use the format: "I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior], because [impact]. I would like [specific request]."

A) Your roommate consistently leaves dishes in the sink after you have asked them not to.

B) Your manager gives feedback in front of the team that you find demoralizing.

C) Your partner repeatedly checks their phone during conversations you are trying to have.

D) A friend cancelled plans at the last minute for the third time this month.

Part G: Digital Communication

Exercise 16: The Digital Audit

A) For one week, track which conversations you conduct via text/message vs. voice/video vs. in person. How much of your significant communication (about things that actually matter to you) happens in each channel?

B) Identify one relationship where you rely heavily on text communication. What is the cost of the missing nonverbal and paraverbal channels in that relationship? Have there been misunderstandings that would likely not have occurred in person?

C) Choose one important conversation that you have been conducting by text and have it in person or by video instead. Note the difference in the quality of the exchange.

Part H: Synthesis

Exercise 17: Your Communication Profile

Based on the exercises in this chapter, compile a brief communication profile:

1. My dominant communication style (passive/aggressive/passive-aggressive/assertive) and where it varies:
2. My most common listening barrier:
3. The Gottman pattern I most fall into:
4. The conversations I most consistently avoid:
5. The single highest-leverage communication change I could make:

Exercise 18: Synthesis Essay

Write a 400-word essay:

"The chapter argues that most communication problems are not about the content of what is said — about finding the right words — but about the emotional climate, listening quality, and what is left unsaid. Do you agree? Describe a communication failure or success in your own life that illustrates this claim."

Discussion Questions

Discussion 1: NVC has been criticized for sounding scripted or unnatural, and for being more effective in contexts where both parties are already communicating in good faith. What are its real limits? In which contexts does it work well, and in which does it fail?

Discussion 2: Gottman's "Four Horsemen" research is based on heterosexual married couples in a specific cultural context. Are these patterns universal — present in all close relationships — or are they culturally and relationally specific?

Discussion 3: The assertiveness literature typically promotes direct, clear communication of needs and limits as the gold standard. Are there cultural contexts in which indirect communication is more appropriate, respectful, or effective? What does "assertive" look like across cultures?

Discussion 4: Digital communication has changed the nature and volume of human interaction enormously. Has this change made people better or worse communicators? What has been gained and what has been lost?