Further Reading — Chapter 16: Communication That Actually Works

Annotated resources for deeper exploration. Items marked with ★ are especially recommended as starting points.

Foundational Works

★ Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. The most accessible account of Gottman's research on what distinguishes stable, satisfying couples from those who divorce or remain miserable. Covers the Four Horsemen and their antidotes, the importance of friendship in marriage, and practical communication strategies grounded in decades of observational research. The most directly applicable Gottman book for general readers. Essential.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster. Despite the title, this book covers Gottman's research on emotion coaching broadly — how adults respond to children's and partners' emotional expressions shapes relational trust and communication openness. The "emotion coaching" vs. "emotion dismissing" parent distinction applies equally to adult partnerships.

★ Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press. The foundational text on NVC — Rosenberg's full statement of the observation/feeling/need/request framework. Accessible, practically illustrated, and genuinely useful for developing new communication habits. The examples can feel scripted, but the underlying framework is psychologically sound. Read critically — NVC works best as a discipline, not a formula.

On Listening

Nichols, M. P. (1995). The Lost Art of Listening. Guilford Press. A comprehensive and practically focused account of listening — why it is so difficult, what gets in the way, and how to develop the capacity. Written for a general audience but grounded in clinical practice and research. Particularly good on the emotional dimensions of listening and the reasons people fail to feel heard.

Ury, W. (1991). Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations. Bantam Books. Ury's account of negotiation — applicable to communication in any context, not just formal negotiation. The chapter on "going to the balcony" (taking a mental step back during an escalating interaction) and on listening as a negotiating strategy are directly relevant to the communication material in this chapter.

On Defensive Communication and Difficult Conversations

★ Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2000). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Viking. The definitive practical guide to having difficult conversations — grounded in Harvard Negotiation Project research. The three-conversations framework (what happened, feelings, identity) is among the most useful analytical tools for understanding why conversations go wrong. Practical, psychologically sophisticated, and widely applicable. Strongly recommended for anyone who needs to navigate complex interpersonal territory.

Gibb, J. R. (1961). Defensive communication. Journal of Communication, 11(3), 141–148. The original paper introducing the defensive vs. supportive communication climate distinction. Accessible and brief — six pages that have been more influential than their length suggests. Worth reading in the original.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill. A practical guide to high-stakes conversations in professional and personal contexts. Covers safety in conversation, how to stay in dialogue when the conversation feels threatening, and how to move from conversation to action. Less psychologically deep than Stone, Patton, and Heen, but more operationally specific.

On Assertiveness

Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (1970/2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Impact Publishers. The foundational assertiveness training text — introduced the concept and practical skills for the general public. Now in its tenth edition, it remains the standard reference. Covers passive, aggressive, and assertive styles and practical techniques for developing assertive communication. Accessible and practically focused.

Smith, M. J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Dial Press. The original practical guide to assertive communication — still readable and still useful. Introduced the "broken record" technique and other specific assertiveness skills. Somewhat dated in style but foundational for the assertiveness training literature.

On Couples Communication

★ Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy: Creating Connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge. Referenced in Chapter 15 as well — EFT is grounded in attachment theory and directly addresses how attachment patterns shape communication in couples. The book covers the specific communication cycles that attachment insecurity produces and how therapeutic intervention interrupts them.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster. Gottman's earlier account of the research — covers the Four Horsemen in detail and the physiological findings (flooding, heart rate) that explain stonewalling. More research-focused than The Seven Principles and a good complement to it.

On Nonverbal Communication

Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life. Times Books. Ekman's research on facial expressions — the micro-expressions that convey emotional states faster than verbal communication. Covers how to read emotional states from nonverbal cues and how emotional expression functions in human communication. Practically useful and grounded in decades of research.

Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People. Collins Living. A practical (if somewhat sensationalized) guide to reading body language. More focused on detection than on communication, but provides a useful vocabulary for the nonverbal channel. Read with appropriate critical distance — nonverbal reading is probabilistic, not deterministic.

Accessible General Reading

★ Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing. One of the most widely read relationship communication books — proposes that people express and receive love through different "languages" (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch) and that mismatches produce relationship distress. The empirical basis is weaker than the research-based texts above, but the practical insight — that people differ in what communicates care — is useful and widely applicable.

Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. William Morrow. Tannen's influential account of gendered communication styles — how differences in communication goals (rapport-building vs. status-establishing) produce predictable misunderstandings. Read with awareness that it generalizes and essentializes gender, but useful for understanding why people with different socialization histories often miscommunicate about the same things.