Further Reading — Chapter 18: Romantic Relationships and Intimacy

Annotated resources for deeper exploration. Items marked with ★ are especially recommended as starting points.

Foundational Works

★ Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. The most directly applicable research-based guide to long-term relationship maintenance. Covers Love Maps, bids for connection, positive sentiment override, shared meaning systems, and the Four Horsemen antidotes. The research base is longitudinal, the writing is accessible, and the practical exercises are genuinely useful. The most important single book for anyone interested in relationship science applied to long-term partnership.

★ Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins. Perel's exploration of the tension between love and desire — why intimacy sometimes dampens passion and what couples can do about it. Her argument about the necessity of maintained separateness and the value of otherness within a relationship is both counterintuitive and research-consistent. More clinically and culturally nuanced than Gottman; the two books are complementary.

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. The original journal article describing the triangular theory — available through academic databases. More technical than necessary for most readers, but the original framework is worth seeing in its precise form. The variety of love types and their component configurations is more nuanced in the original than in most popular summaries.

On Attraction and Partner Selection

★ Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Norton. Not strictly about romantic attraction, but Cacioppo's research on the psychological and physiological effects of loneliness is essential background for understanding why human connection — including romantic connection — matters so deeply. The research on loneliness and health outcomes is striking and motivating.

Walster, E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and Research. Allyn and Bacon. The research foundation for equity theory in relationships — the idea that satisfaction depends partly on perceived fairness of contribution and reward. Technical, but the core finding — that perceived inequity (in either direction) produces distress — has direct applications to relationship dynamics.

Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt. Anthropologist Helen Fisher's accessible account of the neurobiology of romantic love — the dopamine-driven craving of passionate love, the oxytocin-mediated comfort of attachment, and the vasopressin systems involved in long-term bonding. The three-system model (lust, attraction, attachment) provides a useful biological frame for the Sternberg psychological one.

On Long-Term Relationships and Intimacy

★ Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown. Johnson's attachment-based approach to couples therapy rendered accessible for general readers. The seven conversations are practical and grounded in attachment theory. Covers the demand-withdrawal cycle, accessibility and responsiveness, and relationship repair from an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) perspective. Highly readable and direct.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Norton. Schnarch's account of differentiation as the key to both intimacy and passion in long-term relationships — the capacity to hold your own perspective while remaining emotionally present to your partner. More psychodynamically complex than Johnson or Gottman, but the differentiation concept is important and underrepresented in popular accounts. Also contains his two-point contact / wall-socket intimacy distinction, which is useful.

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the Expansion of Self: Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction. Hemisphere. The foundational text on self-expansion theory — the idea that romantic love involves expanding the self to include the other's resources, perspectives, and characteristics. Technical but important; the popular account of self-expansion theory in more recent books is often a significant simplification.

On Attachment in Adult Romantic Relationships

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. The foundational paper establishing that adult romantic relationships activate the attachment system. Classic and accessible for an academic paper; the conceptual framework has held up remarkably well over the subsequent four decades of research.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love. TarcherPerigee. The most accessible popular account of adult attachment styles in romantic relationships. Covers anxious, avoidant, and secure styles and their interactions in specific detail. Practical guidance on recognizing your own style and your partner's, and how different style combinations play out. A useful companion to Chapter 15's attachment material in the specific context of romantic partnership.

On Intimacy and Vulnerability

★ Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden. Brown's research on vulnerability, shame, and wholehearted living — the foundation of her popular talks and her more applied books. The vulnerability paradox, shame as the primary obstacle to intimacy, and the distinction between vulnerability and exposure are all grounded in this body of research. Daring Greatly (2012) extends the application specifically to relationships.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley. The technical account of the Reis-Shaver intimacy model — disclosure + responsive reception = intimacy. The original chapter is in a handbook but the model is clear and the research evidence presented is strong. Central to understanding why intimacy is a process rather than a state.

On Relationship Dissolution and Recovery

Duck, S. (1982). A topography of relationship disengagement and dissolution. In S. Duck (Ed.), Personal Relationships 4: Dissolving Personal Relationships (pp. 1–30). Academic Press. Duck's original dissolution model — intrapsychic, dyadic, social, and grave-dressing phases. Technical but foundational for understanding how relationships end and why the narrative construction of the ending matters for recovery.

Tashiro, T. (2012). The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love. Harlequin Nonfiction. A research-based guide to understanding what predicts relationship success, drawing on the attraction, commitment, and maintenance research. Accessible and well-sourced; useful for applying the research described in this chapter to practical relationship decisions.

Accessible General Reading

★ Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. Norton. More clinically oriented than The Seven Principles but still accessible; covers the research-to-practice translation for therapists and interested lay readers. Useful for understanding the evidence base behind the most common couples therapy interventions.

Rusbult, C. E., & Buunk, B. P. (1993). Commitment processes in close relationships: An interdependence analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 175–204. A more accessible academic treatment of the investment model and interdependence theory. Covers the transformation of motivation concept and the commitment maintenance mechanisms in more detail than most popular accounts.

Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield. Chapman's popular framework for the different ways people express and receive love (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch). Not a research-based framework in the strict sense — the typology is clinical observation, not empirically derived — but widely useful for couples identifying mismatches in how love is being expressed versus received. Best used as a starting point for conversation rather than a rigid typology.