Further Reading — Chapter 17: Conflict Resolution and Difficult Conversations

Annotated resources for deeper exploration. Items marked with ★ are especially recommended as starting points.

Foundational Works

★ Fisher, R., Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (2nd ed.). Penguin Books. The foundational text on interest-based negotiation — the Harvard Negotiation Project's contribution to conflict resolution. The positions vs. interests distinction, the BATNA concept, and the four principles of principled negotiation are all introduced here. Written primarily for formal negotiation but directly applicable to personal and workplace conflict. Essential and highly readable.

Ury, W. (1991). Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations. Bantam Books. The companion to Getting to Yes, focused specifically on the challenge of negotiating with difficult, uncooperative, or adversarial parties. Covers the "go to the balcony" concept (stepping back from the immediate emotional reaction), five barriers to negotiation, and the "negotiation judo" of using the other party's resistance as a source of movement rather than an obstacle. Practical and accessible.

★ Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2000). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Viking. Referenced in Chapter 16 as well — the three-conversations framework is the most directly applicable to personal and workplace conflict. This book is the best single resource for understanding why conversations go wrong and what makes them go right. The identity story dimension is particularly important and underrepresented in most conflict resolution literature.

On Marital and Relationship Conflict

★ Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. Covers the Four Horsemen antidotes, the perpetual problems concept, gridlock resolution, and the role of friendship and positive sentiment in relationship stability. The research on what distinguishes stable from unstable couples is foundational.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Crown. Gottman's framework for relationship repair across all types of close relationships — not only romantic partnerships. The concept of "bids for connection" — the small, often missed overtures that constitute much of relationship maintenance — is particularly useful. More practically oriented than his research texts.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Norton. Schnarch's account of "differentiation" — the capacity to hold one's own identity while in emotional contact with someone who disagrees or is distressed. A challenging and important framework for understanding why conflict in close relationships often feels existentially threatening rather than merely practically difficult. More psychodynamically oriented than Gottman; more clinically demanding.

On Apology and Forgiveness

★ Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. Harcourt. An exceptional account of cognitive dissonance and self-justification — why people find genuine apology so difficult. The mechanisms (self-serving bias, confirmation bias, the pyramid of choice) explain why "I'm sorry you felt that way" is so much more common than genuine accountability. Essential background for understanding why apology is hard and what makes it possible.

McCullough, M. E. (2008). Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. Jossey-Bass. McCullough's evolutionary and psychological account of forgiveness and revenge — where both come from, what functions they serve, and what supports forgiveness. Covers the research on forgiveness and health outcomes and provides a nuanced framework for understanding when and how forgiveness happens. Well-written and research-grounded.

Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. Routledge. The most comprehensive academic treatment of the forgiveness research. Covers the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, the process models of forgiveness, and the therapeutic applications. More technical than popular accounts but authoritative and complete.

On Conflict Styles

Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Xicom. The original instrument — accessible online through various publishers. Taking the actual TKI assessment (rather than self-estimating your scores as the exercises suggest) provides a more accurate picture of your conflict style profile. The instrument also provides norms — how your scores compare to others — which is useful for understanding the context of your defaults.

Folger, J. P., Poole, M. S., & Stutman, R. K. (2009). Working Through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups, and Organizations (6th ed.). Pearson. The comprehensive academic treatment of conflict — covering interpersonal, group, and organizational levels. More theoretical than most titles in this list, but thorough and useful for understanding conflict across contexts. Good on the systemic aspects of conflict (how group dynamics and organizational structure shape interpersonal conflict).

On Workplace Conflict

★ Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. Wiley. Edmondson's popular account of psychological safety research — the organizational climate that most enables productive conflict and honest communication. Direct, practical, and well-researched. Essential for anyone interested in organizational culture and workplace conflict.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill. Focused specifically on high-stakes professional communication — how to address concerns when the power differential, the stakes, or the emotional charge make the conversation feel dangerous. Practical and direct. Less psychologically nuanced than Stone, Patton, and Heen but more operationally specific for professional contexts.

On Family Conflict

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson. Bowen's foundational account of family systems theory — including the concept of differentiation of self, which underpins Schnarch's application to couples and provides the theoretical framework for understanding why family conflict is so often a question of identity rather than content. Technical and clinically oriented, but influential.

Lerner, H. G. (1985). The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Harper & Row. A widely accessible and psychologically sound guide to managing anger and conflict in close relationships — focusing particularly on the patterns that keep family conflict stuck. Despite the subtitle, the content applies broadly beyond gender. Covers the concept of "overfunctioning and underfunctioning" in family systems — a useful framework for understanding the dynamics of families with a member who struggled with addiction or mental illness.

Accessible General Reading

★ Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown. Attachment-based couples conflict framework — directly applicable to the most common patterns of escalation and withdrawal. Accessible and practically actionable.

Rubin, G. (2015). Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. Crown. Not a conflict book per se, but Rubin's account of how people change habitual patterns has direct applications to the entrenched conflict patterns covered in this chapter. Useful supplement.