Appendix A: Templates and Worksheets

This appendix collects the core diagnostic, preparation, in-conversation, and reflection tools referenced throughout How to Handle Confrontation. Each worksheet is fully usable as-is — not described, but built out as a working template with blank fields, instructions, and where helpful, a worked example.

A few usage notes:

• Work through preparation worksheets before the conversation, not during it. The goal is to arrive at the conversation clear, not to consult the worksheet mid-sentence.
• Reflection worksheets are most useful within 24 hours of a conversation, while memory is fresh.
• Self-assessment inventories benefit from revisiting every 3–6 months. Your default patterns shift with practice.
• None of these tools produce a correct answer. They are structured prompts for thinking you might not otherwise do.

Tools are organized into four sections:

• Section 1: Self-Assessment Tools (Worksheets 1–4)
• Section 2: Preparation Tools (Worksheets 5–10)
• Section 3: In-Conversation Tools (Worksheets 11–14)
• Section 4: Post-Conversation Tools (Worksheets 15–18)

SECTION 1: SELF-ASSESSMENT TOOLS

Worksheet 1: Conflict Style Self-Assessment

Based on the Thomas-Kilmann framework. Referenced in Chapter 3.

Instructions: For each of the 15 pairs of statements below, distribute 3 points between Statement A and Statement B to indicate how you typically behave in conflict situations. You may give all 3 to one statement (3/0) or split them (2/1 or 1/2 or 0/3). There are no right or wrong answers — answer based on what you actually do, not what you think you should do.

1. A. I press my point of view firmly until the other person agrees. ___ B. I try to find a solution that gives both of us something. ___

2. A. I tend to go along with what the other person wants rather than create friction. ___ B. I look for a compromise where each of us gives a little. ___

3. A. I avoid raising issues that I know will be contentious. ___ B. I work collaboratively with the other person until we find a solution we both fully support. ___

4. A. I stand firm on positions that are important to me. ___ B. I try to address the other person's concerns as well as my own. ___

5. A. I give in to avoid making the situation worse. ___ B. I stay away from topics I know will lead to an argument. ___

6. A. I push hard for outcomes that serve my goals. ___ B. I try to find a middle-ground position. ___

7. A. I am more willing to accept the other person's view than to argue about it. ___ B. I explore the issue with the other person until we are both satisfied. ___

8. A. I avoid confrontation until things settle down on their own. ___ B. I hold my position when I believe I am right. ___

9. A. I look for a fair split between what we both want. ___ B. I try to understand the other person's perspective fully before pushing for what I want. ___

10. A. I often put other people's needs ahead of my own in conflict situations. ___ B. I press for outcomes that are important to me. ___

11. A. I work jointly with the other person to find an answer that fully works for both of us. ___ B. I find a middle ground rather than spending too long on the issue. ___

12. A. I wait for conflicts to resolve themselves rather than bringing them up. ___ B. I am willing to give up something if the other person gives up something too. ___

13. A. I make my goals clear and expect the other person to work toward them. ___ B. I try to satisfy both of our core needs, even if it takes more effort. ___

14. A. I look for a compromise that splits the difference. ___ B. I tend to accommodate the other person when things get tense. ___

15. A. I raise difficult issues because working through them makes the relationship stronger. ___ B. I avoid surfacing conflict if I think it will upset the other person. ___

Scoring:

Transfer your point allocations to the table below.

Score interpretation:

• 0–5: This mode is underused relative to your overall profile — situations that call for it may be going unmet.
• 6–9: Moderate use. This mode is in your repertoire but may not be your go-to.
• 10–15: High use. This is likely your dominant or near-dominant mode.

Reflection questions (write your answers below):

1. Which mode had your highest score? Were you surprised?

_____________________________________________________________

2. Which mode had your lowest score? Think of a recent situation that called for that mode. What did you do instead?

_____________________________________________________________

3. Under what conditions do you override your dominant mode? What makes that possible?

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 2: Emotional Trigger Inventory

Referenced in Chapter 4. Based on emotion regulation research (Gross, 1998; van der Kolk, 2014).

Instructions: Read each trigger below. Circle the number that reflects how intensely it activates you in a confrontational situation (1 = mild activation; 5 = strong activation, difficult to remain composed). Then note, in the space provided, the specific behavior or context that most reliably activates this trigger for you.

Part A: Behavioral Triggers

Part B: Relational / Contextual Triggers

After completing the inventory:

List your top 3 triggers (highest scores):

1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________

For each of your top 3, answer: What do you typically do when this trigger fires during a confrontation?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

What would you like to do instead?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 3: Assertiveness Beliefs Inventory

Referenced in Chapter 6. Based on cognitive-behavioral assertiveness research (Ellis, 1962; Beck, 1979; Smith, 1975).

Instructions: Rate how much you agree with each belief, using the scale below. Answer based on your gut reaction — what you actually believe, not what you think you should believe.

Scale: 1 = Strongly disagree | 2 = Disagree | 3 = Neutral | 4 = Agree | 5 = Strongly agree

Scoring:

Add your ratings for all 15 items.

Total: _____ / 75

Reflection:

Which 2–3 beliefs had your highest ratings? Write them out:

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

For each: Where do you think this belief came from? What evidence supports it? What evidence challenges it?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 4: Values Clarification Worksheet

Referenced in Chapter 11 (Five-Layer Conflict Model). Based on values clarification work (Maslow, 1954; Fisher & Shapiro, 2005).

Purpose: In conflicts driven by value differences (the fourth layer of the Five-Layer Conflict Model), clarity about your own values is a precondition for effective engagement. This worksheet helps you identify and prioritize the values that are most active in your conflicts.

Step 1: Review the values list.

Circle every value that resonates as genuinely important to you — not aspirationally important, but values that you actually feel activated around in conflict situations.

Accountability     Autonomy          Belonging         Candor
Clarity            Competence        Connection        Consistency
Courage            Creativity        Dignity           Efficiency
Excellence         Fairness          Family            Freedom
Growth             Honesty           Humility          Impact
Independence       Integrity         Justice           Kindness
Loyalty            Order             Privacy           Recognition
Reliability        Respect           Safety            Security
Sincerity          Stability         Status            Transparency
Trust              Vulnerability     Wisdom            Other: _______

Step 2: From those you circled, choose your top 10. List them here.

1. _____________
2. _____________
3. _____________
4. _____________
5. _____________
6. _____________
7. _____________
8. _____________
9. _____________
10. _____________

Step 3: Rank-order your top 5.

From your list of 10, identify the 5 that feel most non-negotiable — the values whose violation makes you feel most reactive, most aggrieved, or most willing to act.

Step 4: Reflection on conflict application.

Think about a recent conflict. Which of your top 5 values was at stake?

_____________________________________________________________

What did the other person's behavior seem to signal about their values? Were their values different from yours, or were you both pursuing the same value through conflicting methods?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

SECTION 2: PREPARATION TOOLS

Worksheet 5: Conflict Diagnosis Worksheet

Referenced in Chapter 16. Six-step structured analysis.

Instructions: Complete before preparing your opening statement. Work through all six steps before skipping to "solution."

Step 1: What is the presenting issue?

Describe the conflict in 1–2 sentences, as if explaining it to an uninvolved third party. Be specific and behavioral — avoid evaluative language at this stage.

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Step 2: What type of conflict is this? (Check all that apply)

• [ ] Task conflict (disagreement about what to do or how)
• [ ] Relationship conflict (interpersonal tension or distrust)
• [ ] Process conflict (disagreement about how work or decisions are organized)
• [ ] Values conflict (different underlying values driving incompatible behavior)
• [ ] Data conflict (disagreement about what happened or what is true)
• [ ] Structural conflict (external constraints creating competing pressures)
• [ ] Interest conflict (incompatible goals or needs)

Step 3: What layer is this conflict operating at? (Five-Layer Model)

Mark where the conflict is primarily active:

• [ ] Positions (explicit stated demands)
• [ ] Interests (goals behind the positions)
• [ ] Needs (underlying requirements that make the interests matter)
• [ ] Values (beliefs about what matters and why)
• [ ] Identity (what this conflict means about who I am or who they are)

Step 4: Who are the parties and what are their interests?

Step 5: What are the history and context factors?

Is this a new conflict or a recurrence? _____________________________________________________________

What previous attempts to address this have been made, and what happened? _____________________________________________________________

Are there relationship factors (trust level, power dynamics, prior incidents) that affect this conversation? _____________________________________________________________

Step 6: What is my goal for this conversation?

(Be specific. Not "resolve the conflict" but "reach a shared understanding of the impact and agree on a specific behavioral change.")

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 6: Position-to-Interest Translation Worksheet

Referenced in Chapter 15 and Chapter 11. Based on Fisher, Ury, & Patton (1991).

Instructions: Use this worksheet to move from your initial position (what you are demanding or wanting) through interests (why you want it) to needs (what is fundamentally at stake for you). Do this for both yourself and the other person.

YOUR SIDE

My position (what I am saying I want):

_______________________________________________________________

Why do I want this? What problem will it solve for me? (Interest level — keep asking "why" at least 3 times)

Why 1: _____________________________________________________________

Why 2: _____________________________________________________________

Why 3: _____________________________________________________________

What fundamental need is underneath these interests?

_______________________________________________________________

THE OTHER PERSON'S SIDE (your best inference — be generous in your interpretation)

Their position (what they appear to be wanting or demanding):

_______________________________________________________________

Why might they want this? What problem might it solve for them?

Why 1: _____________________________________________________________

Why 2: _____________________________________________________________

Why 3: _____________________________________________________________

What fundamental need might be underneath their position?

_______________________________________________________________

The overlap zone:

Are there any interests or needs that both parties share? List them here. These are the foundation for a collaborative solution.

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Worksheet 7: Pre-Confrontation Clarity Questionnaire

Referenced in Chapter 15. 10 questions to answer before any difficult conversation.

Instructions: Answer every question honestly before initiating a significant confrontation. If you cannot answer questions 1–3 clearly, you are not yet ready for the conversation.

1. What specifically did the other person do (or fail to do) that I want to address? (Observable, behavioral, specific — not characterological)

_____________________________________________________________

2. What is the impact this behavior has had on me, the relationship, or the work? (Concrete, specific, demonstrable — not just "it bothered me")

_____________________________________________________________

3. What outcome am I seeking from this conversation? (One specific, realistic, behavioral change — not "I want them to understand how I feel" as the only goal)

_____________________________________________________________

4. What are my interests behind that position?

_____________________________________________________________

5. What do I believe the other person's interests are?

_____________________________________________________________

6. What is my BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement)? (What will I do if this conversation does not produce the change I'm seeking?)

_____________________________________________________________

7. What is the other person's likely BATNA? (What can they do if they choose not to engage with my concern?)

_____________________________________________________________

8. What SCARF threats might this conversation activate for the other person? (Status / Certainty / Autonomy / Relatedness / Fairness — check all that apply and note why)

_____________________________________________________________

9. Am I in an emotional state that will serve this conversation? (If flooded, reactive, contemptuous, or deeply hurt, the conversation should wait)

• [ ] Yes, I can engage from a grounded place
• [ ] No — I need to wait until: _______________________

10. What is my plan if the conversation goes off-track or escalates? (A specific behavioral plan — not just "I'll try to stay calm")

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 8: Medium Selection Guide

Referenced in Chapter 17.

Instructions: Work through the decision tree below before choosing how to have your confrontation. Follow the path that matches your situation.

Is the issue urgent (needs resolution within hours)?

• YES → Is it emotionally charged for either party?
• YES → Phone call (voice only; do not text urgent and emotional issues)
• NO → Phone call or in-person, whichever is available
• NO → Continue below

Does the issue involve significant emotional content (hurt feelings, relationship damage, personal criticism)?

• YES → In-person meeting is strongly preferred. Move to the next question.
• NO → Continue below

Is there a significant power differential between you and the other party?

• YES (you are less powerful) → In-person protects you from a written record being used against you. Consider requesting a meeting.
• YES (you are more powerful) → In-person is ethically preferable — email or text gives you inappropriate control of the record and removes the other person's ability to respond in the moment.
• NO → Continue below

Does the issue require back-and-forth dialogue to resolve?

• YES → In-person or phone (email is asynchronous and does not support real dialogue)
• NO → Does the issue primarily require documentation and clarity?
• YES → Email with a follow-up conversation offer
• NO → Continue below

Is this a clarifying question rather than a confrontation?

• YES → Email or messaging may be appropriate for a simple clarifying question
• NO → Default to in-person for anything with emotional stakes

Summary guidance:

Never use text or social media messaging for confrontational content with significant stakes.

Worksheet 9: Opening Statement Builder

COIN Template. Referenced in Chapter 7.

Instructions: Fill in each section. Write the actual words you plan to say, not a description of what you'll cover. Keep each section to 2–4 sentences for an opening statement.

C — Context (Why are we having this conversation? Set the scene without ambush. Temporal, relational, or purpose framing.)

"I wanted to find some time to talk with you because..."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

O — Observation (Specific, observable, behavioral — what a video camera would capture. Named incidents. Direct quotes where relevant. No evaluations.)

"Here's what I've been noticing / what happened..."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

I — Impact (The concrete consequences of the behavior — on you, on the relationship, on the team, on the work. Specific, not global. Use "I" statements.)

"The impact on my end has been..."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

N — Need (What you want from this conversation — framed as a request or an opening for dialogue, not a demand. Invites the other person's perspective.)

"What I'm hoping for from this conversation is..."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Full opening statement (written out as you will say it):

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Self-check before delivering:

• [ ] Does the Observation contain only observable behaviors? (No "attitude," "disrespect," or other evaluations)
• [ ] Does the Impact describe my experience, not a judgment of them?
• [ ] Is the Need framed as an invitation, not an ultimatum?
• [ ] Is the whole opening under 90 seconds when spoken aloud?

Worksheet 10: Resistance Anticipation Worksheet

Referenced in Chapter 18 and Chapter 20.

Instructions: Before the conversation, anticipate the resistance you may encounter and plan your response. Do not hope the other person will simply agree — prepare for the range of reactions.

The resistance I am most likely to encounter:

(Check all that apply)

• [ ] Denial ("That's not what happened" / "I never said that")
• [ ] Minimization ("It's not a big deal" / "You're being too sensitive")
• [ ] Counter-attack ("What about what YOU did?")
• [ ] Deflection ("This isn't a good time" / "There are bigger issues")
• [ ] Silence / stonewalling
• [ ] Over-apology with no commitment to change
• [ ] Agreement in the moment / non-compliance afterward
• [ ] Anger or emotional flooding
• [ ] Other: _____________________________________________

For each resistance type I checked, write my planned response:

(Keep responses short. Acknowledge what is valid. Return to the issue.)

Resistance 1: _____________________________________________ My response: _____________________________________________

Resistance 2: _____________________________________________ My response: _____________________________________________

Resistance 3: _____________________________________________ My response: _____________________________________________

What will I do if the conversation escalates past what I can manage?

_____________________________________________________________

What will I do if the other person becomes distressed (crying, shutting down)?

_____________________________________________________________

SECTION 3: IN-CONVERSATION TOOLS

Worksheet 11: Active Listening Checklist

Referenced in Chapter 5 and Chapter 8. Based on Rogers (1961) and Nichols (2009).

Purpose: Use this as a self-monitoring checklist during practice or debriefing after a conversation. Check each behavior you reliably demonstrated.

Physical Presence - [ ] Made appropriate eye contact (sustained, not staring) - [ ] Maintained open body posture (not crossed arms, not turned away) - [ ] Kept phone out of sight and out of hand - [ ] Oriented body toward the speaker - [ ] Used appropriate nods and minimal encouragers ("mm-hmm," "I see") - [ ] Did not check the time during the conversation

Cognitive Listening - [ ] Allowed the other person to complete their thought before responding - [ ] Resisted the urge to plan my next statement while they were still speaking - [ ] Asked clarifying questions rather than assuming I understood - [ ] Followed their thread rather than redirecting to my own agenda - [ ] Noticed when my mind wandered and returned without self-criticism

Reflective Listening - [ ] Paraphrased at least once to confirm understanding - [ ] Reflected feeling at least once (named the emotion I heard beneath the words) - [ ] Used summarizing to consolidate understanding before moving to my response - [ ] Did not immediately "fix," advise, or reassure when the person needed to be heard first

Empathic Listening - [ ] Tried to understand their perspective before evaluating it - [ ] Acknowledged that their experience made sense from their vantage point - [ ] Did not interrupt to disagree before fully hearing the concern - [ ] Stayed curious even when I disagreed

After using this checklist: Identify the 2 behaviors you checked most reliably (your strengths) and the 2 you did not check (your focus areas).

Strengths: 1. _____________________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________________

Focus areas for next conversation: 1. _____________________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 12: Reframing Worksheet

Referenced in Chapter 10. Three reframe types: cognitive, emotional, narrative.

Instructions: Take a belief, emotion, or story about the conflict that is keeping you stuck, and work through all three reframes. The goal is not to deny your original experience but to expand what is visible.

The stuck point: (What is the thought, feeling, or story that is most limiting your ability to approach this constructively?)

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Cognitive Reframe (Change the interpretation: What is another plausible explanation for the other person's behavior that does not assume malice or contempt?)

Original interpretation: _____________________________________________

Alternative interpretation: _____________________________________________

What evidence supports the alternative? _____________________________________________

What becomes possible if this alternative is true? _____________________________________________

Emotional Reframe (Move deeper into the feeling rather than away from it: What is beneath the surface emotion? What is the more vulnerable feeling underneath?)

Surface emotion: _____________________________________________

Beneath it: _____________________________________________

What need is this feeling pointing toward? _____________________________________________

How does naming the deeper feeling change how you want to approach the conversation?

_____________________________________________________________

Narrative Reframe (Change the story: What larger story are you telling about this person, this relationship, or this situation? What is an alternative narrative that equally fits the facts?)

Current narrative: _____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

Alternative narrative: _____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

What chapter of that new story are you now in? What does that chapter call for?

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 13: Time-Out Protocol Card

Referenced in Chapter 4 and Chapter 19. Based on Gottman's flooding research.

Purpose: This card gives you the language and protocol to call and return from a time-out during a conversation that is escalating toward flooding. Cut it out or photograph it. Know what you will say before you need to say it.

HOW TO CALL A TIME-OUT

Say:

"I need to call a time-out. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and I want to keep talking about this well. Can we take [20 / 30] minutes and come back?"

Or (if the other person seems flooded):

"I think we'd both benefit from a short break. Let's take [20 / 30] minutes. I'll be back at [specific time]."

Commit to a specific return time. A time-out without a return time is stonewalling.

DURING THE TIME-OUT

Do: - Take a slow walk (not while replaying the argument) - Breathe slowly (exhale longer than inhale — activates parasympathetic system) - Listen to music - Do light physical activity that requires concentration - Make tea or water

Do not: - Replay the argument in your mind - Rehearse your counterarguments - Text the other person about the argument - Call a third party to vent about the argument - Ruminate on worst-case outcomes

The goal: Return your heart rate below 100 bpm and your prefrontal cortex to full function.

HOW TO RETURN

Return at the agreed time. If you need more time, communicate that before the agreed return time: "I still need another 10 minutes — I'll be ready at [new time]."

When you return, say:

"I'm ready. I want to come back to what we were talking about — [brief restatement of the topic]. Where were we?"

Or, if you had an insight during the break:

"While I was taking a break, I realized something that I want to share before we continue..."

Worksheet 14: Repair Attempt Library

Referenced in Chapter 13. Based on Gottman & Silver (1999).

Purpose: Repair attempts are words, phrases, or gestures that interrupt escalation and invite the other person back into connection. Having them ready before you need them makes them far more accessible during an activated state.

Instructions: Familiarize yourself with these repair attempts before your next difficult conversation. Mark the ones that feel most natural to you.

De-escalation repairs: - "Let me start over. I don't think I said that the way I meant to." - "I'm getting upset and I don't want to be. Can we slow down?" - "I can see this is landing hard. I want to find a way to say it that works better." - "I don't want to fight with you. I want to actually solve this."

Clarification repairs: - "I'm not sure I understood what you just said. Can you say it a different way?" - "Let me make sure I'm hearing you correctly — are you saying...?" - "I may have gotten defensive just then. Can you say that part again?"

Accountability repairs: - "You're right, I didn't handle that well." - "I hear that what I said landed badly, even if that's not what I meant." - "That was unfair of me. I want to take that back."

Connection repairs: - "This matters to me — you matter to me. That's why I'm still here." - "I know this is hard. I appreciate that you're willing to talk about it." - "I'm on your side, even when we're disagreeing about this."

Process repairs: - "Can we take a break and come back in 20 minutes?" - "I feel like we've lost the thread. Can we start from the beginning?" - "What do you need right now? Do you need me to listen, or do you want to problem-solve?"

My 3 go-to repair attempts (that feel natural to me):

1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________

SECTION 4: POST-CONVERSATION TOOLS

Worksheet 15: Confrontation Debrief Template

Referenced in Chapter 39. Complete within 24 hours of a significant confrontation.

Date of conversation: ___________________

Who the conversation was with: ___________________

Topic / issue addressed: _____________________________________________

Section A: What Happened

How did I open the conversation? (Describe your actual opening, not your plan)

_____________________________________________________________

How did the other person respond initially?

_____________________________________________________________

What was the most difficult moment in the conversation?

_____________________________________________________________

How did the conversation end? What, if anything, was agreed?

_____________________________________________________________

Section B: What Worked

What did I do that was effective? (Specific behaviors — not "I did pretty well")

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

What did the other person do that was effective or generous?

_____________________________________________________________

What frameworks or tools from this book were useful in this conversation?

_____________________________________________________________

Section C: What to Do Differently

Where did I get pulled off-course? What triggered me?

_____________________________________________________________

What did I wish I had said but didn't?

_____________________________________________________________

What did I say that I wish I hadn't?

_____________________________________________________________

If I had this conversation again, what would I change about how I opened it?

_____________________________________________________________

Section D: What's Next

Are there any agreements that need to be followed up on?

_____________________________________________________________

Is a follow-up conversation needed? If so, what is the topic and the timeline?

_____________________________________________________________

What did this conversation teach me about this relationship?

_____________________________________________________________

Worksheet 16: Apology Structure Template

Referenced in Chapter 13. Based on Enright & Fitzgibbons (2015) and Lazare (2004).

Instructions: Use this template to structure a genuine apology. Write it out fully before delivering it — even if you plan to deliver it verbally. Writing it first ensures all components are present.

Step 1: Acknowledgment — Name what happened specifically

"I want to apologize for [specific behavior, named event, what you said or did]."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Check: Is this specific enough that the other person knows exactly what you are apologizing for? If it could apply to any of several incidents, it is not specific enough.

Step 2: Taking Responsibility — Own it without qualification

"I take responsibility for [what you did]. [Context, if genuinely relevant, without using it to minimize.] The impact was real and I own my part in it."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Check: Does this contain the word "if" (as in "I'm sorry if you were hurt")? If so, rewrite — the conditional "if" undermines ownership.

Step 3: Expressing Remorse — Name the impact and why it matters

"I understand that what I did [describe the impact] — and I'm genuinely sorry for that."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Check: Is the remorse focused on the impact to the other person, not on your own discomfort at having caused it?

Step 4: Commitment to Change — What will be different

"Going forward, I commit to [specific behavioral change]. If I struggle with this, I will [how you will handle it]."

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Check: Is this specific and behavioral — not just "I'll try to do better"?

Full apology (written out):

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Before delivering:

• [ ] I am delivering this because I mean it, not to make myself feel better or to restore the relationship on my timeline
• [ ] I am not attaching conditions ("I'm sorry, but you also...") to this apology
• [ ] I have not pre-decided how long I will wait for forgiveness
• [ ] I am prepared for the other person not to accept this apology immediately

Worksheet 17: Agreement Documentation Template

Referenced in Chapter 19 and Chapter 39.

Purpose: Agreements made verbally in confrontational conversations are frequently remembered differently by each party. This template creates a shared written record.

Date and parties:

Date: ___________________ Parties present: ___________________

Summary of issue addressed:

(One paragraph, agreed by both parties)

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Agreements reached:

For each agreement, record: What will happen, Who is responsible, By when, How success will be measured.

What happens if the agreement is not kept:

_____________________________________________________________

Follow-up:

Will we check in on this? If yes, when?

_____________________________________________________________

Signatures / Acknowledgment:

"We have both read this summary and agree that it accurately reflects our conversation and commitments."

Party 1: _______________________ Date: ___________

Party 2: _______________________ Date: ___________

Note: This does not need to be a formal signed document. In many contexts, a shared email saying "Here's what I understood us to agree to — does this match your understanding?" serves the same function.

Worksheet 18: Confrontation Learning Log

Referenced throughout Part 5. For ongoing practice.

Purpose: One page per conversation, maintained over time. The log is a practice journal — its value compounds as you track patterns across many conversations.

Log Entry #: ____

Date: ___________________

Conversation type: (check one) - [ ] Workplace — peer - [ ] Workplace — direct report - [ ] Workplace — manager - [ ] Romantic relationship - [ ] Family member - [ ] Friend - [ ] Acquaintance or stranger

Stakes: 1 — Low 2 — Moderate 3 — High 4 — Very high

The issue in one sentence:

_____________________________________________________________

My conflict mode going in (TKI):

• [ ] Competing
• [ ] Collaborating
• [ ] Compromising
• [ ] Avoiding
• [ ] Accommodating

Was this mode effective? Yes / No / Partially — why?

_____________________________________________________________

The moment I handled best:

_____________________________________________________________

The moment I handled least well:

_____________________________________________________________

Key skill I practiced (name the framework or technique):

_____________________________________________________________

On a scale of 1–10, how satisfied am I with how I showed up? ____

One thing I will do differently next time:

_____________________________________________________________

Outcome: (check one) - [ ] Fully resolved - [ ] Partially resolved — follow-up needed - [ ] No resolution — next step: _________________________ - [ ] Relationship improved - [ ] Relationship unchanged - [ ] Relationship damaged

Pattern notes (Complete after every 5 entries)

Looking at my last 5 entries:

What situations consistently bring out my best?

_____________________________________________________________

What situations consistently challenge me most?

_____________________________________________________________

Which TKI mode am I overusing?

_____________________________________________________________

Which TKI mode am I underusing?

_____________________________________________________________

What is the most important skill I need to build next?

_____________________________________________________________

End of Appendix A. Blank copies of all worksheets may be reproduced for personal use. For the full framework explanations behind each tool, consult the chapter cross-references noted at the beginning of each worksheet.