Chapter 27 Exercises: Confronting a Friend or Romantic Partner

Section 27.1 — When Friendship and Conflict Collide

Exercise 27.1.1 [Conceptual] ★ Define the "accumulation problem" in your own words. Why does letting unspoken concerns build over time tend to make eventual confrontation harder, not easier?

Exercise 27.1.2 [Scenario] ★ Marcus has been carrying the unresolved situation with Ava for eighteen months. He describes it as something that "keeps coming back." What does the research on incomplete experiences suggest about why this is happening? What would "completing" the experience require?

Exercise 27.1.3 [Applied] ★★ Think of a friendship or close relationship in which something went unaddressed for a significant period of time. Without naming the other person, describe: (a) what you chose not to say, (b) why you didn't say it, and (c) what you now believe the cost of that silence was — to you, to them, or to the relationship.

Exercise 27.1.4 [Synthesis] ★★★ The chapter argues that "the unconfronted confrontation is doing its work regardless." Write a 400-word reflection on what this means psychologically. How do unresolved relational tensions manifest in present behavior? Draw on any research or concepts from earlier chapters to support your argument.

Section 27.2 — The Intimacy Trap

Exercise 27.2.1 [Conceptual] ★ Explain the intimacy paradox in one paragraph. Use an analogy of your own creation to illustrate why closeness makes honesty harder rather than easier.

Exercise 27.2.2 [Scenario] ★ Jade describes the merger problem hitting her in real time during the confrontation with Destiny — feeling Destiny's anticipated hurt as if it were her own, which nearly made her back down. (a) What specifically is happening psychologically in that moment? (b) What could Jade say to herself internally to stay with the confrontation despite the merger problem?

Exercise 27.2.3 [Conceptual] ★★ The chapter distinguishes three overlapping difficulties in close-relationship confrontation: the exposure problem, the merger problem, and the history problem. Create a visual diagram or outline showing how these three interact. At what point does each one typically become most acute in a confrontation?

Exercise 27.2.4 [Applied] ★★ Recall a confrontation you avoided in a close relationship. Which of the three problems — exposure, merger, or history — was most responsible for your avoidance? Write a one-page analysis of how that problem functioned in your specific situation.

Exercise 27.2.5 [Scenario] ★★ Marcus avoids the confrontation with Ava in part because "to say what was true would require showing her exactly how much it was affecting him." This is the exposure problem at its core. (a) Why is this type of self-disclosure particularly threatening in a close relationship? (b) What would need to be true for Marcus to feel safe enough to make that disclosure?

Exercise 27.2.6 [Synthesis] ★★★ The history problem cuts both ways: history provides context and compassion, but it also provides ammunition. Design a brief protocol (3–5 specific practices) for managing the history problem in a close-relationship confrontation — ensuring history informs the conversation without weaponizing or smothering it.

Section 27.3 — Recurring Conflicts in Close Relationships

Exercise 27.3.1 [Conceptual] ★ What is the difference between a resolvable conflict and a perpetual problem? Give one example of each from your own experience or observation.

Exercise 27.3.2 [Conceptual] ★ According to Gottman's research, approximately what percentage of couple conflicts are "perpetual problems"? What does this mean for how couples should think about conflict resolution?

Exercise 27.3.3 [Scenario] ★★ Sam and Nadia have a perpetual problem around how they process stress — Sam needs silence; Nadia needs conversation. Their solution involves a phrase ("I need twenty minutes") and a mutual agreement about what it signals. (a) Why does this solution work without resolving the underlying difference? (b) What would happen if Sam tried to approach this as a resolvable conflict — demanding that Nadia simply "give him space when he needs it"?

Exercise 27.3.4 [Applied] ★★ Identify a recurring conflict in a current or past close relationship. Using the perpetual vs. resolvable framework, classify the conflict. If it is perpetual, describe what "dialogue without resolution" might look like for that specific conflict.

Exercise 27.3.5 [Scenario] ★★ A couple argues repeatedly about cleanliness standards. One partner is tidy; the other is messy. They have had the same fight approximately every three weeks for two years. Apply the perpetual-problem framework: (a) Why hasn't it resolved? (b) What would a successful "dialogue" approach look like? (c) What accommodation might honor both people's needs?

Exercise 27.3.6 [Synthesis] ★★★ Gottman's research challenges the common cultural belief that a good relationship is one where conflict gets fully resolved. Write a 500-word essay arguing either for or against this view, using specific evidence from the chapter and at least one personal or observed example.

Section 27.4 — The Repair Conversation

Exercise 27.4.1 [Conceptual] ★ Define "rupture" as used in this chapter. Why does the chapter argue that ruptures are "not the problem" — that they are the raw material?

Exercise 27.4.2 [Conceptual] ★ Name and define the Three R's of the repair conversation. Explain in one sentence why each component is necessary — what would be missing if that component were skipped?

Exercise 27.4.3 [Applied] ★★ Using the repair conversation template, draft a repair conversation for the following scenario: You told a close friend something in confidence, and they shared it with someone else. You confronted them about it; the confrontation went badly. Now you want to repair the relationship. Write all three components of the conversation (Recognition, Responsibility, Reconnection) in language that feels authentic.

Exercise 27.4.4 [Scenario] ★★ Jade's repair conversation with Destiny included a moment where Destiny said "I didn't know you were keeping track. I thought you forgot about it." This disclosure shifted the conversation. (a) Why did this moment matter? (b) What does it suggest about the difference between assumptions we make about the other person and what is actually happening for them?

Exercise 27.4.5 [Applied] ★★★ Think of a rupture in a past relationship that was never formally repaired. Write the repair conversation you wish you had been able to have — all three R's, in your authentic voice. Then write a brief (200-word) reflection: What would having this conversation have required from you? What was stopping you?

Exercise 27.4.6 [Synthesis] ★★★ Research shows that the outcome of a rupture depends more on what follows the rupture than on the nature of the rupture itself. Design a workshop activity (30–45 minutes) that could teach the Three R's repair framework to a group of college students in a peer relationships setting. Describe the activity, the materials needed, and the debrief questions you would use.

Section 27.5 — When the Relationship Can't Survive

Exercise 27.5.1 [Conceptual] ★ What does the chapter mean by "the grief of the friendship"? Why is this grief often invisible or under-acknowledged socially?

Exercise 27.5.2 [Conceptual] ★★ The chapter argues that "honesty is not the enemy of relationships — the things that honesty reveals are sometimes incompatible with the relationships they're revealed in." Explain this distinction in your own words. Why does it matter for how we think about confrontations that end relationships?

Exercise 27.5.3 [Scenario] ★★ Using the decision framework table from Section 27.5, classify the following situations and explain your reasoning: (a) A friendship that has been drifting for two years; you realize you want to say something before it fully ends. (b) A romantic relationship in which your partner has been consistently dishonest; you have confronted them twice and nothing has changed. (c) A friendship that ended abruptly after a confrontation; you have lingering feelings you haven't processed.

Exercise 27.5.4 [Applied] ★★ The chapter argues that "closure does not require the other person's participation." Describe one specific method — journaling, unsent letter, therapeutic processing, ritual — through which someone might find closure from an unresolved confrontation without requiring the other person to be present. What makes this method effective?

Exercise 27.5.5 [Applied] ★★★ Marcus is wrestling with whether the conversation he needs to have with Ava is about repair, closure, or something else. Using the decision framework from Section 27.5, walk through the framework questions as if you were advising Marcus. What category does his situation fall into? What would you recommend?

Exercise 27.5.6 [Synthesis] ★★★ Write a 600-word personal essay on the following prompt: Describe a friendship or relationship that ended — or should have ended — and the role that confrontation (either its presence or its absence) played in that ending. Use at least two concepts from this chapter to analyze what happened.

Integrative Exercises

Exercise 27.7 [Synthesis] ★★★ Compare and contrast the intimacy paradox with the concept of psychological safety from Chapter 9. How do these two ideas interact? Under what conditions does closeness create psychological safety for confrontation rather than threatening it?

Exercise 27.8 [Applied] ★★★ Design a "Pre-Confrontation Checklist" for close-relationship confrontations that incorporates the key insights from this chapter: the exposure problem, the perpetual vs. resolvable distinction, and the repair conversation framework. The checklist should have 8–12 items and be usable by someone with no prior training in confrontation.

Exercise 27.9 [Scenario] ★★★ Jade, Marcus, Sam, and Dr. Priya Okafor are all navigating close-relationship confrontations in this textbook. Select any two of these characters and write a 500-word comparative analysis of their confrontation challenges, using the frameworks from this chapter. What do they share? What distinguishes their situations?

Exercise 27.10 [Synthesis] ★★★ The chapter opens with the claim that "the hardest confrontation is the one you have with a friend." By the end of the chapter, do you agree? Write a 400-word response that either supports or challenges this claim, incorporating evidence from the chapter and your own reasoning.