Chapter 23 Exercises: Handling Attacks, Deflections, and Diversions

Section 23.1 — The Taxonomy of Conversational Attacks

Exercise 23.1 [Conceptual] ★ In your own words, explain the difference between a deflection and whataboutism. Give one original example of each from a context outside of romantic relationships.

Exercise 23.2 [Conceptual] ★ Why is stonewalling categorized as an "attack" rather than simply a neutral disengagement? What does stonewalling communicate, and why does that communication function as an attack even without words?

Exercise 23.3 [Scenario] ★★ Read the following exchange and identify which type of attack (personal attack, deflection, whataboutism, topic hijacking, guilt trip, or stonewalling) each response represents:

Sam tells Tyler: "I need to talk about you missing the second deadline this month."

A) Tyler: "You never mentioned deadlines were this important when you first gave me the project." B) Tyler: "I've been working sixty-hour weeks for this team. Nobody seems to care about that." C) Tyler: "What about the Rodriguez account? That whole thing was handled really differently." D) Tyler: (silence, looks at phone) E) Tyler: "I just think it's interesting that you're focusing on me when there are other people on the team doing the same thing."

Identify the type of each response and explain what effect each one would likely have on Sam.

Exercise 23.4 [Applied] ★★ Think of a recent conversation in which you felt your original concern got buried. Write a brief paragraph describing what happened. Then use the taxonomy in this chapter to identify which type of attack or diversion displaced your concern. What would you do differently now?

Exercise 23.5 [Synthesis] ★★★ The taxonomy table in this chapter lists six attack types. Design a scenario in which at least three different attack types are used within a single two-minute conversation. Write the dialogue (8–12 exchanges), label each attack type as it appears, and then write an alternative version of the same exchange in which the person being attacked responds effectively to each one.

Section 23.2 — Personal Attacks: Responding Without Retaliating

Exercise 23.6 [Conceptual] ★ Explain the three-step structure of the non-defensive response (acknowledge, do not defend, return). Why is the "do not defend" step the hardest? What happens neurologically when we feel personally attacked?

Exercise 23.7 [Scenario] ★★ Jade is using the non-defensive response structure with Leo. Draft three different versions of her response to his opening deflection ("You're not exactly supportive of me either"), each using the template differently but all following the acknowledge-not defend-return structure. Compare the three versions: which feels most natural? Which is most likely to de-escalate?

Exercise 23.8 [Scenario] ★★ Marcus is at work. His supervisor Diane tells him: "I've noticed that you always need more hand-holding than the other paralegals. I think you might not be cut out for this level of responsibility." Marcus wants to address a concern about the filing system — not his competence. Write his non-defensive response.

Exercise 23.9 [Applied] ★★ Practice the broken record technique. Choose a concern you have wanted to raise with someone but keep not raising. Write the concern in one clear sentence. Then write five different ways the other person might try to deflect or hijack the topic. For each deflection, write your broken record return to the original concern, varying the wording but staying on topic.

Exercise 23.10 [Applied] ★★ The line "That felt like a personal attack — is that what you intended?" can feel confrontational if delivered with an aggressive tone and gentle if delivered with genuine curiosity. Practice saying this line in two different ways: one that would likely escalate the conversation, and one that would likely invite reflection. Write a brief note on what changes between the two deliveries — is it pace, phrasing, posture, something else?

Exercise 23.11 [Synthesis] ★★★ Dr. Priya Okafor receives the following attack from Dr. Harmon: "Your metrics from last quarter were concerning. I wonder if this complaint is really about the reassignment or whether you're trying to deflect attention from your own team's performance." Write Priya's non-defensive response, her broken record return, and then analyze: what would retaliation have looked like, and why would it have been more damaging than the non-defensive response?

Section 23.3 — Deflection and Whataboutism

Exercise 23.12 [Conceptual] ★ Explain the parking lot technique step by step. Why does writing something down (or explicitly stating you are noting it) matter? What psychological function does that act serve for the person whose concern is being parked?

Exercise 23.13 [Scenario] ★★ Sam is addressing Tyler about the missed deadline. Tyler deflects: "What about the fact that the project requirements changed three times? I wasn't the only factor." Sam wants to use the parking lot. Write the exact words Sam would say, including how he acknowledges Tyler's point, notes it, returns to the original topic, and commits to revisiting it.

Exercise 23.14 [Scenario] ★★ Jade tries the parking lot with Leo, but Leo refuses to move on: "No, I want to talk about this now. You dismiss my needs constantly and I'm tired of it." Write what Jade does next. At what point, if any, does the parking lot become impossible to use? What other tools does she have?

Exercise 23.15 [Applied] ★★★ Whataboutism often operates by expanding the scope of a specific complaint to make it seem petty. Practice scope-narrowing: for each of the following whataboutist responses, write a scope-clarification reply.

A) "What about how everyone in the department handles their email? I'm not the only one who's slow to respond." B) "What about the last three years when I always did everything you asked without complaining?" C) "What about how this company treats people generally? This is a systemic issue, not something I can change alone."

Exercise 23.16 [Synthesis] ★★★ Design a full parking lot scenario: two parties, one raising a concern, one deflecting with three separate diversions over the course of a five-minute conversation. Write the full dialogue using the parking lot correctly each time, ending with the original concern being returned to and addressed. Then write a reflection: what made the parking lot work in this scenario, and what could have caused it to fail?

Section 23.4 — Topic Hijacking and Digression

Exercise 23.17 [Conceptual] ★ What is the difference between deliberate topic hijacking and accidental topic drift? How does the response differ in tone (if not in technique) for each?

Exercise 23.18 [Scenario] ★★ Marcus and his roommate Tariq are talking about shared chores. Within four exchanges, the conversation has drifted to Tariq's dissatisfaction with his job, Marcus's stress about the LSAT, and a conflict they had two months ago. Write the drift, label where the drift began, and then write Marcus using the "naming the drift" technique to bring the conversation back.

Exercise 23.19 [Applied] ★★ Think of a conversation in your own life that drifted significantly from its starting point. Draw a brief "topic map" — a visual or list-based record of where the conversation went, topic by topic. At what point did the conversation leave its original purpose? Was the drift accidental or deliberate? Would you have wanted to come back to the original topic? If so, what would you have said?

Section 23.5 — Calculated Manipulation Tactics

Exercise 23.20 [Conceptual] ★★ Describe DARVO in your own words: what does each letter stand for, what psychological function does each move serve, and why is the sequence particularly effective? What makes the "Reverse Victim and Offender" step the most destabilizing?

Exercise 23.21 [Scenario] ★★ Read the following exchange and identify whether DARVO is operating:

Jade: "I felt really hurt when you made that joke about my grades in front of your friends." Leo: "I didn't say anything about your grades. I said you were still figuring things out — which is true." Jade: "It felt like you were making fun of me." Leo: "I can't believe you think I would do that. After everything I do to support you. You know what this does to me? Having my girlfriend think I'm some kind of bully?"

Identify the Deny, Attack, and Reverse components. Then write what Jade could say next using the DARVO response framework from the chapter.

Exercise 23.22 [Conceptual] ★★ Explain the difference between gaslighting and a genuine memory disagreement. Two people can remember the same event differently without either being dishonest. What distinguishes normal memory divergence from gaslighting? What behavioral patterns over time help distinguish the two?

Exercise 23.23 [Scenario] ★★★ Dr. Priya raises a concern about a patient case. Dr. Harmon responds: "I don't think that conversation happened the way you're describing it. I've talked to three people who were there, and none of them remember it that way. You may be under too much stress — it would explain some of the other things I've been noticing." Write Priya's response using the gaslighting response framework. Then write a second version of her response that names the dynamic explicitly. Compare the two.

Exercise 23.24 [Applied] ★★ Guilt trips, pity appeals, and fear appeals are all forms of emotional manipulation. For each of the following statements, identify which type of appeal is being made and write a response that separates the feeling from the demand.

A) "I've sacrificed so much for this relationship. The least you could do is let this go." B) "I've been dealing with so much lately — I really can't handle another conflict right now." C) "I'm just not sure this is working. If things don't change, I don't know what's going to happen."

Exercise 23.25 [Synthesis] ★★★ Write a two-page dialogue in which one character uses all three calculated manipulation tactics in sequence: DARVO, then gaslighting, then emotional manipulation (guilt or pity). The other character recognizes each one and responds using the frameworks from this chapter. After the dialogue, write a brief analysis: which response was most effective, and why? Which would be hardest to execute under real-world emotional pressure?

Integration and Application Exercises

Exercise 23.26 [Applied] ★★ Design your personal "attack response card" — a single index-card-sized reference with: - The six attack types (one word each) - The core structure of the non-defensive response (three words each step) - The parking lot steps (numbered, brief) - The DARVO recognition checklist (5 questions)

This is not an academic exercise. This is a tool you would actually carry or have available before a difficult conversation.

Exercise 23.27 [Synthesis] ★★★ Return to Jade's situation from the chapter opening. You know the following: Jade came to raise a concern about feeling dismissed. Leo deflected immediately. Jade got pulled into defending herself. The original concern has not been addressed.

Write the remainder of the conversation — at least 20 exchanges — using every technique in this chapter appropriately. Jade should use the non-defensive response, the parking lot, the broken record, and at least one response to a calculated tactic. The conversation does not have to end perfectly — it has to end realistically, with Jade having done her part well.

Exercise 23.28 [Synthesis] ★★★ Write a reflection on your own history with conversational attacks. Have you ever been the person launching attacks — deflecting, redirecting, using guilt? Have you ever been on the receiving end of deliberate manipulation? What would have changed in those conversations if you had had the tools in this chapter? What do you still find hardest to implement, and what would help?