Chapter 6 Exercises: Self-Awareness as a Confrontation Skill

These exercises are organized from foundational (conceptual understanding) to deeply applied (personal self-assessment). Because this chapter concerns inner work, the majority of exercises are Applied — they require honest engagement with your own history and patterns. You are invited to be more honest with yourself here than you are accustomed to being.

Difficulty: ★ (Accessible) | ★★ (Moderate) | ★★★ (Challenging)

Part A: Conceptual Exercises

Exercise 1 [Conceptual] ★ Tasha Eurich distinguishes internal self-awareness from external self-awareness.

a. In your own words, define each type. b. Give an example of a person who has high internal self-awareness but low external self-awareness. What would that look like in a conflict? c. Give an example of someone with high external self-awareness but low internal self-awareness. What would that look like? d. Why might high confidence in your self-awareness actually be a warning sign rather than a confirmation?

Exercise 2 [Conceptual] ★ The Johari Window has four quadrants: Open Area, Blind Spot, Hidden Area, and Unknown.

a. Draw (or describe in words) the full Johari Window with all four quadrants and their labels. b. For each quadrant, describe one thing that might live there for a typical person entering a difficult conversation. c. Identify the two mechanisms by which the Open Area expands. Which of these two mechanisms is more uncomfortable for most people? Why?

Exercise 3 [Conceptual] ★ Define the intent-impact gap. Then explain: why does this gap exist even when both parties are acting in good faith?

Exercise 4 [Conceptual] ★★ According to Eurich's research, introspection — asking "why" questions about yourself — often makes self-awareness worse, not better. This is counterintuitive.

a. What explanation can you construct for why "why" questions might reduce accuracy rather than improve it? b. What does Eurich suggest asking instead? c. How does this distinction apply to the post-confrontation debrief protocol from Section 6.5?

Exercise 5 [Conceptual] ★★ Review the three categories of conflict triggers: SCARF-domain triggers, relational triggers, and theme triggers.

a. Give two original examples of each category (do not repeat examples from the chapter). b. Why are relational triggers particularly difficult to recognize in the moment? c. How do theme triggers connect to the values clarification work in Section 6.4?

Part B: Scenario Exercises

Exercise 6 [Scenario] ★ Read the following exchange and identify the intent-impact gap.

Ren sends a message to their coworker: "Just checking — did you review the brief I sent Tuesday? Wanted to make sure we're aligned before tomorrow."

Coworker's internal response: "They don't trust me. They think I haven't done it. They're hovering."

Ren's intent: They genuinely forgot whether they'd followed up and wanted to be collaborative.

a. What is the intent-impact gap in this situation? b. What could Ren have done to reduce the likelihood of this gap? c. What could the coworker do to avoid misinterpreting the message? d. How would an impact receipt practice work in this situation? What specifically would Ren say?

Exercise 7 [Scenario] ★ Marcus Chen is in a group project meeting. His partner Dani presents a section of the project. Marcus thinks: "This needs significant revision. I need to tell her, but I don't want to derail the group." He clears his throat, adjusts his notes, and says, "I have some structural observations about this section that might be worth thinking through."

a. What does Marcus think he is communicating? b. What is Dani likely to receive? c. What SCARF domain might Dani experience as threatened? d. What would Marcus need to know about himself (self-awareness) to communicate more effectively here?

Exercise 8 [Scenario] ★★ Dr. Priya Okafor receives her 360-degree feedback and learns that her staff finds her "intimidating" and "hard to approach." Her first reaction is defensive: "I'm not intimidating — I'm just direct. People are too sensitive."

a. Which quadrant of the Johari Window does this feedback come from (from Priya's perspective)? b. What is the self-awareness error Priya is making in her initial defensive response? c. Priya values efficiency and respect for intelligence. How might these values, unchecked, be contributing to the feedback she received? d. What would it look like for Priya to move from defensive to curious about this feedback?

Exercise 9 [Scenario] ★★ Jade Flores grew up with a family norm that direct disagreement is disrespectful. In her college sociology class, she genuinely disagrees with a classmate's interpretation of a reading. She feels the familiar pull to stay quiet.

a. Identify two values that may be in collision for Jade in this moment. b. What is the difference between a value Jade has genuinely chosen and a norm she has been conditioned to follow? c. How might the pre-confrontation self-check help Jade in this moment? d. What is one small step Jade could take that honors her genuine values while managing her anxiety?

Exercise 10 [Scenario] ★★ Sam Nguyen avoids a difficult conversation with a team member, Terrence, about chronic lateness. He tells himself he's "waiting for the right moment." Three weeks later, two other team members mention Terrence's lateness in a team meeting, visibly frustrated. The conversation Sam avoided becomes a group conflict.

a. What impact has Sam's avoidance had that he likely didn't intend? b. Which of Sam's potential SCARF-domain triggers might have been driving his avoidance? c. If Sam had completed a pre-confrontation self-check three weeks ago, what might he have discovered about his fear in this conversation? d. Now that the conflict is larger, what would a values-grounded approach look like for Sam going forward?

Exercise 11 [Scenario] ★★ Two people are in a conflict about a shared household responsibility.

Alexa: "You never told me the rent was due today. I didn't know." Jordan: "I mentioned it twice last week. You just weren't listening."

a. Both people are judging by their own experience. Where is each person's attention focused — intent or impact? b. How could the intent-impact gap explain why both people feel completely justified? c. Design a two-sentence response Jordan could give that acknowledges both their experience and Alexa's without either capitulating or escalating.

Exercise 12 [Scenario] ★★★ Consider a conflict in which the two parties have directly opposing core values: one person deeply values loyalty (staying within a team, not challenging publicly), and the other deeply values honesty (transparency, saying what's true even when uncomfortable).

a. Identify a realistic conflict scenario that would activate both values simultaneously. b. How would each person's trigger experience differ in this conflict? c. What would values clarification (on both sides) enable that is currently blocked by the unexamined collision? d. Design the opening two exchanges of this conversation if both parties had completed a pre-confrontation self-check and identified their values.

Part C: Applied Exercises

Exercise 13 [Applied] ★ Internal vs. External Self-Awareness Self-Assessment

Rate yourself honestly on each item below from 1 (rarely true) to 5 (almost always true).

Internal Self-Awareness: - I can name what I'm feeling with precision during difficult conversations. - I understand the values that drive my strongest reactions. - I can recognize when I am triggered before my behavior escalates. - I know what I want from a conflict before I enter it. - I am aware of my habitual patterns in conflict (avoidance, dominance, appeasement, etc.).

External Self-Awareness: - I regularly seek feedback on how I come across in conflict. - I am not significantly surprised when others describe their experience of me. - I can accurately predict how a specific person will experience my communication style. - I check in after difficult conversations to see how they landed. - My self-description matches how close colleagues would describe me in conflict.

Scoring: - Internal total: _/25 - External total: _/25

Reflection: Which score is lower? What does the gap tell you about where your self-awareness development work is most needed? Write 3-5 sentences.

Exercise 14 [Applied] ★ Complete the Trigger Mapping table from Section 6.2 for yourself. Do not leave any row blank. For each row, write at least one personal example and your best hypothesis about its historical source.

After completing the table, answer: - Which category has the most populated rows for you? - Which trigger, when activated, has the largest effect on your behavior? - Which trigger were you most surprised to recognize?

Exercise 15 [Applied] ★★ The Conflict Archive

Identify three conflicts from the past two years — one mild, one moderate, one significant.

For each conflict, answer: 1. What was the surface issue? 2. What trigger was activated (use the three-category framework)? 3. What value of yours was at stake? 4. What was your intent going in? 5. What impact do you think you had on the other person? 6. Where was your Johari Window's Blind Spot most active?

After completing all three, identify: Is there a common trigger across all three? A recurring value? A repeated pattern in how you responded? Name the pattern in one sentence.

Exercise 16 [Applied] ★★ Values Clarification Exercise (Full Version)

Step 1: Complete the full values clarification exercise from Section 6.4. Go through all three stages: full list review, narrow to 10, identify top 5.

Step 2: For each of your top 5 values, answer: - Where did this value come from? (Family, culture, experience, deliberate choice?) - Has this value ever been in collision with another value you hold? What happened? - How does this value show up in your conflict behavior — positively? negatively?

Step 3: Write one paragraph describing yourself as a person in conflict through the lens of your top 5 values. What does someone with these values tend to prioritize, fear, and do in difficult conversations?

Exercise 17 [Applied] ★★ Your Personal Trigger Signature

Your trigger signature is the specific constellation of physical and emotional signs that appear when you are moving from calm to triggered.

Step 1: Recall a recent moment when you felt genuinely triggered in a conflict or difficult conversation. Reconstruct it in as much detail as possible.

Step 2: Working backward from the peak of the trigger: - What were the first physical signs? (Where in your body? What did it feel like?) - What were the first emotional signs? (The first emotion — not the one that took over, but the very first one?) - What did your voice do? Your pace? Your word choice? - What did you want to do (behavioral impulse)?

Step 3: Write out your trigger signature in a 3-5 sentence paragraph, as if you were describing it to someone who needed to recognize it from the outside.

Step 4: What is one internal signal that, if you catch it, gives you enough time to pause before the trigger escalates?

Exercise 18 [Applied] ★★ The Impact Receipt — Live Practice

Choose a low-stakes upcoming interaction where you will deliver some feedback, a request, or a difficult piece of information. After the conversation, use the impact receipt practice:

Ask the other person two of the following questions: - "I was trying to come across as [specific quality]. How did it land for you?" - "Was there anything in how I said that which didn't work for you?" - "If there was a moment where I lost you or where things shifted, I'd really want to know."

After you receive their response: 1. Write down exactly what they said. 2. Compare it to what you intended. 3. Describe the gap (or lack of gap) that you found. 4. What does this tell you about your external self-awareness?

Bring the results of this exercise to class or small group discussion.

Exercise 19 [Applied] ★★ First Full Conflict Journal Entry

Using the seven-prompt template from Section 6.5 (Practice 1), write a full conflict journal entry about a recent difficult conversation. Do not skip any prompt. If you're stuck on a prompt, spend more time there — the stuckness is data.

Minimum length: 400 words.

After completing the entry, read it back and answer: what is the one sentence from the entire entry that surprised you most? Why?

Exercise 20 [Applied] ★★ The Pre-Confrontation Self-Check — Anticipatory Practice

Identify a difficult conversation you know you need to have in the next two weeks (or one you've been avoiding). Run the full pre-confrontation self-check on it:

  1. What do I actually want from this conversation? (Be specific.)
  2. What am I afraid of?
  3. What trigger am I likely to encounter?
  4. What value is at stake for me?
  5. How do I want to come across?

Write your answers. Then write one sentence about what you'll do differently as a result of completing this checklist versus going in unprepared.

Exercise 21 [Applied] ★★★ The Blind Spot Interview

Choose someone who knows you well — a trusted friend, family member, partner, or longtime colleague. Tell them you're working on self-awareness as it relates to conflict, and you'd like their honest input. Ask them:

  1. "When I'm in a conflict or a difficult conversation, what do you notice about how I communicate that I might not be aware of?"
  2. "Is there something I do that affects others negatively that I seem genuinely unaware of?"
  3. "How do I tend to land on people when things get tense?"

After the conversation: - Write down everything they said, including things that surprised or stung. - Note your immediate emotional reaction to what you heard. - After 24 hours: return to what they said. What remains true? What are you less defensive about? - Identify one piece of feedback that is worth acting on. Write one specific behavior change you'll make.

Exercise 22 [Applied] ★★★ Post-Confrontation Debrief Protocol — Retrospective

Choose the single most difficult conversation you've had in the past year. Run the full post-confrontation debrief protocol from Section 6.5 (Practice 4) on it — all four parts: Facts, Intent vs. Impact Review, Pattern Recognition, and Forward-Looking.

Write at minimum one full paragraph for each part.

After completing the debrief, answer: If you had completed a pre-confrontation self-check before this conversation, what would have been different? What would you have known about yourself that might have changed how you showed up?

Part D: Synthesis Exercises

Exercise 23 [Synthesis] ★★ The Self-Awareness Profile

Draw a simple version of the Johari Window for yourself, specifically in conflict contexts. In each quadrant, write 2-3 specific items:

  • Open Area: What do you openly know and discuss about your conflict style?
  • Blind Spot: Based on feedback you've received and exercises in this chapter, what might live here? (You won't know for certain — make your best hypothesis.)
  • Hidden Area: What do you know about your inner experience in conflict that others typically don't know?
  • Unknown: What might be true about you in conflict that neither you nor others have identified yet?

Write a 2-paragraph reflection: What would it mean for your confrontation capacity if you could expand your Open Area significantly in the next year? What would have to happen?

Exercise 24 [Synthesis] ★★ Consider the relationship between the three core concepts introduced in this chapter:

  • Conflict triggers
  • The intent-impact gap
  • Values clarification

Write a 400-600 word essay arguing that these three concepts are not separate topics but aspects of the same underlying self-awareness challenge. Use at least one character from the chapter (Marcus, Priya, Jade, or Sam) to illustrate your argument.

Exercise 25 [Synthesis] ★★★ The 30-Day Self-Awareness Plan

Design a realistic 30-day self-awareness development plan for yourself, using only practices from Section 6.5. The plan should:

  • Name which two practices you'll prioritize (and why those two)
  • Specify when and how often you'll practice each one
  • Identify who your "loving critic" for feedback-seeking will be
  • Set a measurable outcome: what will you know or be able to do at the end of 30 days that you can't do now?
  • Name the most likely obstacle to following through — and your strategy for meeting that obstacle

Write the plan in 3-5 paragraphs. Make it specific enough that you could actually follow it.

Exercise 26 [Synthesis] ★★★ Letter to Your Future Self

Write a letter to yourself to be read after your next significant difficult conversation. The letter should:

  • Remind your future self of your top 3 conflict triggers and your personal trigger signature
  • Name the value you most commonly need to protect in conflict
  • Remind your future self of how you tend to come across when triggered (be specific and honest)
  • Give your future self one piece of advice about the intent-impact gap
  • Ask your future self one question about the conversation that just happened

Seal the letter (in a journal, a doc, an email to yourself) and open it after your next difficult conversation. Note: what did the letter get right? What surprised you?

Exercise 27 [Synthesis] ★★★ Designing Your Conflict Identity Statement

Based on everything in this chapter — your triggers, your values, your patterns, your blind spots, your desired impact — write a 1-2 paragraph "Conflict Identity Statement": a clear description of who you want to be in difficult conversations.

The statement should be: - Honest about your starting point (where you actually are) - Aspirational about your direction (who you're working toward being) - Grounded in your actual values (not aspirational values) - Specific enough that you'd know whether you were living it or not

This statement is not for anyone else. It is a self-promise and a self-compass. Revisit it each time you complete a post-confrontation debrief.

End of Chapter 6 Exercises