Chapter 37 Exercises: Confrontation and Trauma

Content Notice: Several exercises in this chapter invite personal reflection on triggers and past experiences. Work at your own pace. Nothing in these exercises requires you to process or disclose more than you are ready for. If an exercise activates something that feels difficult to manage, pause, use the regulation toolkit from Chapter 7 or from this chapter's index, and return when you're ready — or skip and return later.

Conceptual Exercises ★

Exercise 37.1 [Conceptual] ★ Define trauma in clinical terms (drawing on Bessel van der Kolk's formulation) and explain why trauma is not simply a function of how severe an event appears to an outside observer. What factors determine whether an experience becomes traumatic?

Exercise 37.2 [Conceptual] ★ Explain the distinction between "large-T trauma" and "small-t trauma." Give two examples of each. Why is this distinction clinically important for understanding conflict behavior?

Exercise 37.3 [Conceptual] ★ Describe three ways that trauma affects conflict behavior: hyperreactivity, dissociation, and the inability to access regulation tools. For each, explain the neurobiological mechanism that underlies it.

Exercise 37.4 [Conceptual] ★ What is the difference between a trigger and a wound? Use an extended analogy (not the one from the text) to illustrate the distinction. Why does addressing only triggers, without working at the wound level, provide limited relief?

Exercise 37.5 [Conceptual] ★ Explain what "titration" means in trauma-informed work and why it is preferable to attempting to process difficult content all at once. What are the risks of non-titrated approach to difficult personal material?

Exercise 37.6 [Conceptual] ★ What is the "window of tolerance" (introduced in Chapter 7) and how does trauma specifically affect it? Why do traumatized individuals sometimes appear to "overreact" to relatively minor conflict stimuli?

Exercise 37.7 [Conceptual] ★ List and briefly explain five principles of trauma-informed communication when confronting someone whose trauma may be activated. For each principle, identify a specific behavior it recommends.

Scenario Exercises ★★

Exercise 37.8 [Scenario] ★★ Read the following and answer the questions.

During a performance review conversation, Destiny — an employee who grew up in an unpredictable home environment — begins to go very still and quiet. Her face becomes flat. She responds to her manager's feedback in very few words. When the manager presses for more engagement ("I really need to hear your thoughts on this"), Destiny says "I understand" and looks at the wall.

a) What type of trauma response is Destiny likely experiencing? What term from Chapter 4 applies? b) What should the manager do when they observe this? List three specific actions. c) What should the manager NOT do? List two things that would make this worse. d) How might the manager initiate a follow-up conversation about what happened?

Exercise 37.9 [Scenario] ★★ Jade has identified that her strongest trigger in conflict with Leo is when he uses a slightly exasperated tone — a quality in his voice that signals he's frustrated. She notices her response: she immediately goes quiet, says "forget it," and disengages.

a) Using the trigger/wound distinction, analyze Jade's situation. What is the trigger? What might the wound be? b) What regulation steps should Jade take when she notices this trigger activating? c) What is the difference between Jade managing the trigger in the moment vs. healing at the wound level? What would each require?

Exercise 37.10 [Scenario] ★★ Marcus is trying to have a repair conversation with Ava. During the conversation, Ava begins to cry and then becomes angry — insisting that Marcus has said this before and it means nothing. She is activated beyond the point of productive engagement.

a) What should Marcus do immediately? b) What should Marcus avoid doing? c) How should Marcus understand Ava's intensity — as evidence that she doesn't want the conversation, or as something else? d) What might a responsible follow-up look like?

Exercise 37.11 [Scenario] ★★ A manager wants to raise a performance concern with a team member who has shared that they experienced workplace bullying at a previous job. The manager knows this history and is trying to approach the conversation thoughtfully.

Using the trauma-informed communication guidelines from the chapter, design the opening of this conversation: how the manager sets it up, the physical environment they choose, what they say first, and how they check in. Write this as a script excerpt.

Exercise 37.12 [Scenario] ★★ Examine the following suggestion, offered in the middle of a heated conflict:

"You know what? You clearly have some unresolved issues. You should really talk to someone about this before we discuss it further."

a) What is problematic about this suggestion, even if the underlying observation might be accurate? b) Rewrite this as a caring, trauma-informed observation offered outside of the heat of conflict. c) What would need to be different about the context, timing, and tone for even the best version of this suggestion to land well?

Exercise 37.13 [Scenario] ★★ Sam has noticed that when Nadia gently points out his shutdown behavior, he sometimes responds with a flash of anger that surprises both of them. Analyze this through the lens of this chapter. What might his anger be protecting? What is it a response to? What would trauma-informed self-awareness look like for Sam in this moment?

Applied Exercises ★★★

Exercise 37.14 [Applied] ★★★ Complete a personal trigger inventory — a structured reflection on your conflict triggers. For each trigger you identify: - Describe the trigger specifically (what happens: what is said, done, or present?) - Describe your response (what you do, feel, think) - Notice whether the response feels proportionate or disproportionate - Consider whether you can trace it to any past experience or pattern

Work only to the level of depth that feels manageable. You are not required to disclose this inventory. It is for your private use.

Exercise 37.15 [Applied] ★★★ Identify a conflict relationship in your life where you suspect your responses may include a trauma dimension — where your reactions sometimes feel larger than the current situation warrants. Write a reflective analysis: - What are your triggers in this relationship? - What past experiences might those triggers connect to? - How has the trauma response been affecting your conflict behavior? - What would "titrated approach" to the wound look like for you in this context?

If this exercise activates significant distress, it may be a signal to discuss this with a mental health professional rather than continuing alone.

Exercise 37.16 [Applied] ★★★ Design a trauma-informed approach to a difficult conversation you need to have — or have been avoiding — with someone you know has trauma history relevant to the topic. Your design should address: - How you will set up the conversation (timing, environment, advance notice) - What you will say at the opening to establish safety and intention - How you will check in during the conversation - What you will do if you observe signs of activation in the other person - How you will follow up afterward

Exercise 37.17 [Applied] ★★★ Using the "When to Seek Therapy" decision guide from the chapter, conduct an honest self-assessment. Write a reflection on what you find — not as a diagnostic instrument, but as an honest conversation with yourself about where your conflict patterns sit on the spectrum from "skill development will help" to "professional support would be appropriate."

Exercise 37.18 [Applied] ★★★ Practice the trauma-informed regulation toolkit. (This is a practice exercise, not a crisis tool.) When you are in a state of normal moderate stress (not in a conflict, not in crisis), work through the toolkit systematically: - Physiological regulation (breathing, movement) - Sensory grounding (five senses exercise) - Named acknowledgment

Write a brief reflection on which components you found most accessible, which felt difficult, and what this tells you about your regulation profile.

Synthesis Exercises ★★★

Exercise 37.19 [Synthesis] ★★★ The chapter argues that when trauma is activated in conflict, the regulation and communication tools from earlier chapters may be completely inaccessible. Analyze this claim from a neurological perspective (drawing on Chapter 4's material on the amygdala and prefrontal cortex). What specifically happens to the prefrontal cortex when the nervous system is in a full threat response? What are the implications for the design of conflict skill training programs that may be dealing with participants who carry unprocessed trauma?

Exercise 37.20 [Synthesis] ★★★ The chapter distinguishes between conflict skill (what this book addresses) and clinical intervention (what therapy addresses). Write an essay (600–900 words) that honestly examines both the value and the limits of this distinction. Where do the domains genuinely overlap? Where does treating something as a "skill" that is actually a clinical matter cause harm? Where does treating something as a clinical matter that is actually a skill issue over-pathologize normal human difficulty?

Exercise 37.21 [Synthesis] ★★★ Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" argues that trauma is stored somatically, not just cognitively, and that top-down (cognitive) approaches are often insufficient alone. Evaluate the implications of this claim for the approach of this entire book. Much of this book's advice operates at the cognitive and behavioral level. How should a reader who suspects they carry somatic trauma adapt or supplement what this book offers? What would a genuinely integrated approach look like?

Exercise 37.22 [Synthesis] ★★★ Compare and contrast trauma-informed communication principles with the standard confrontation framework presented in Chapters 15–20 of this book (PREP/DEAR MAN or whichever framework is used). Where do the two frameworks align? Where do they require different approaches? Design a hybrid protocol for conducting a difficult conversation with someone who may have trauma history, drawing on both frameworks.

Exercise 37.23 [Synthesis] ★★★ Jade's story in this chapter involves a quiet recognition, not a dramatic breakdown — she slowly understands that her conflict avoidance connects to her father's departure. Write a reflective analysis of why this kind of slow, non-dramatic recognition is actually more common and clinically significant than dramatic breakdowns. What conditions allowed Jade's recognition to happen? What is the relationship between safety, trust, and the ability to see one's own patterns clearly?

Exercise 37.24 [Synthesis] ★★★ The chapter includes a section on when and how to suggest therapy without it being an attack. Analyze the cultural and relational factors that make suggesting therapy sensitive in many contexts. How do race, class, gender, and professional culture affect how a suggestion of therapy is likely to be received? How should practitioners adapt their approach to these factors?

Exercise 37.25 [Synthesis] ★★★ Design a professional development workshop (2 hours) for managers on "Trauma-Informed Conflict Conversations." Your design should include: learning objectives, key concepts to cover, at least two experiential activities, the key tensions you'd expect participants to encounter (e.g., "but what if I'm not a therapist?"), and how you'd address those tensions. Reflect on what would make this workshop most and least effective.