Chapter 10 Exercises

How to Use These Exercises

These exercises are organized in four categories:

[Conceptual] — Tests your understanding of the core concepts.
[Scenario] — Asks you to analyze or respond to a scenario.
[Applied] — Asks you to apply the tools to your own life.
[Synthesis] — Asks you to integrate multiple concepts or work at a higher level of complexity.

Difficulty is rated on a three-point scale: ★ (accessible), ★★ (moderate challenge), ★★★ (deeper work required).

Part A: Understanding the Four Modes

Exercise 1 [Conceptual] ★

For each of the following statements, identify which communication mode it represents: Passive (P), Aggressive (A), Passive-Aggressive (PA), or Assertive (AS).

a. "Fine. Whatever. I said I'd be there, didn't I?"

b. "I don't care where we eat. You pick."

c. "This report is completely unacceptable. I want it redone by morning."

d. "When you interrupt me in meetings, I feel dismissed. I'd like us to agree that we each finish our thought before the other responds."

e. "I mean, I guess I can take on that project too. I'm sure I'll figure it out."

f. "You always do this. Every single time. I can't believe I have to explain this again."

g. "I noticed you didn't respond to my email. I just want to make sure it didn't land in spam." (Tone: pointed; the speaker is certain it wasn't spam.)

h. "I'd prefer not to take on that extra project right now — I'm at capacity. I can revisit in Q3 if something opens up."

For each, explain in one sentence what signal tells you the mode.

Exercise 2 [Conceptual] ★

The four-mode comparison table in the chapter describes each mode's emotional driver — what's underneath the behavior.

Match each emotional driver below to its most likely associated mode:

Fear of rejection combined with a belief that force is necessary to get needs met
Unmet needs that feel too dangerous to express directly
Self-respect and belief that honest expression serves the relationship
Fear of conflict and a belief that one's own needs are less important than others'

Exercise 3 [Conceptual] ★★

A common misconception is that assertiveness is simply "the moderate volume between shouting and silence."

a. In your own words, explain why this framing is wrong. What does assertiveness actually mean that this framing misses?

b. Describe a scenario where someone speaks at a very low volume but is still behaving assertively. What makes it assertive?

c. Describe a scenario where someone speaks calmly but is actually being passive-aggressive. What makes it passive-aggressive?

Exercise 4 [Scenario] ★

Read the following scenario and answer the questions below.

Kenji is a college junior who has been grouped with two other students for a major project. The other two have been making all the decisions without consulting him. He is frustrated but hasn't said anything. In the last group meeting, when asked if he had input, he said "No, whatever you two think is fine" — and then went home and vented to his roommate for an hour.

a. What communication mode is Kenji using in the meeting?

b. What emotional driver is most likely underneath his behavior?

c. What is the likely long-term consequence of this pattern for the group project? For Kenji's relationships with his groupmates?

d. What would assertive communication look like for Kenji in this situation? Draft a brief assertive statement he could make at the next meeting.

Exercise 5 [Scenario] ★★

Read the following scenario and answer the questions below.

Dr. Okafor's colleague Dr. Harrison has been taking credit in department meetings for a shared initiative that was primarily Priya's idea and work. She has addressed it in private: "That project was mostly mine, Harrison. I expect acknowledgment." He nodded and said "Of course" but nothing changed. Now she's stopped speaking to him beyond professional necessity.

a. What was Dr. Okafor's initial communication mode?

b. What mode did she shift to when her assertion was ignored?

c. What is the broken record technique, and how might she have used it instead of shifting modes?

d. Write a brief broken record response she could use the next time the situation arises publicly in a meeting.

Part B: The Belief Inventory

Exercise 6 [Applied] ★

Complete the Anti-Assertiveness Belief Inventory for yourself. Go through the ten beliefs listed in Section 10.3 and:

a. Mark which ones feel recognizable to you — not as conscious beliefs, but as beliefs you might act as though you hold.

b. For your top two or three, write: - Where did I learn this? - When did it protect me? (There was probably a time it served a function.) - What has it cost me?

Exercise 7 [Applied] ★★

Choose one anti-assertiveness belief from your inventory in Exercise 6. Apply the full cognitive reframe cycle (from Chapter 8) to it:

Step 1: Name the belief precisely.

Step 2: Identify a specific situation where it activated recently.

Step 3: List evidence that supports the belief. Be honest — there probably is some.

Step 4: List evidence that contradicts the belief or puts it in proportion.

Step 5: Generate an alternative, more accurate belief.

Step 6: Write a brief action commitment: one small assertive act you can take this week that would begin to test the new belief behaviorally.

Exercise 8 [Conceptual] ★★

Manuel J. Smith's assertive rights list includes the right to say "no" without extensive justification.

Many people struggle with this right because they conflate explanation with respect — they believe that not explaining themselves is rude or dismissive.

a. What is the distinction between providing context for a decision (which can be considerate) and providing justification out of a felt obligation to manage the other person's feelings?

b. Write two versions of declining the same request: one that provides brief, warm context; and one that provides justification that has crossed into appeasement. What is the difference in tone and what does each communicate?

Exercise 9 [Scenario] ★

Marcus believes that the only choices available to him are "keeping the peace" and "causing drama." This is a false dichotomy.

a. Name and define the cognitive distortion (from Chapter 8) that underlies this belief.

b. Assertiveness is described as the "third path." In your own words, what makes it genuinely different from the two options Marcus sees?

c. Think of a relationship or situation in your own life where you have been operating under a similar false dichotomy. What are the two options you've seen? What might a third path look like?

Exercise 10 [Applied] ★★

Review the list of Assertive Rights in Section 10.3. Identify two rights that feel most uncomfortable to claim — the ones that make you think "I'm not sure I actually have that right."

For each:

a. Write the right in your own words.

b. Describe a concrete situation in your current life where claiming this right would change something.

c. Write a one-sentence assertive statement you could make in that situation.

Part C: DESC Script Practice

Exercise 11 [Conceptual] ★

Define each element of the DESC script in your own words:

D (Describe): What are you describing? What counts as a good description? What are the common errors in this step?
E (Express): What are you expressing, and how? Why use "I" language here?
S (Specify): What makes a good specification? What are common mistakes?
C (Consequences): When should you include a negative consequence, and when should you not? What makes consequences assertive rather than threatening?

Exercise 12 [Scenario] ★★

Read the following scenario. Then write a complete DESC script from the indicated person's perspective.

Jade's study group has a recurring problem: one member, Dominic, consistently arrives 20-30 minutes late, and the group ends up re-covering material he missed. Jade is frustrated. The group has started without him twice, but no one has said anything directly.

Write Jade's DESC script, keeping in mind her cultural context (collectivist values, face-saving). Her script should still be genuinely assertive — clearly stating what she needs — but framed in a way that preserves relationship harmony.

Exercise 13 [Applied] ★★

Identify one real situation in your current life where you have a need that hasn't been expressed — a conversation you've been avoiding, a request you haven't made, a concern you've been sitting on.

Write a full DESC script for that situation:

D: Describe the specific behavior or situation (observable, without interpretation).
E: Express how you feel and what meaning you make of it.
S: Specify one concrete, actionable request.
C: Describe the positive outcome if the request is met. Include a negative consequence only if it's genuine and proportionate.

Then: When will you actually have this conversation? Name a specific time and context.

Exercise 14 [Scenario] ★

The following is a first attempt at a DESC script. Identify what is wrong with each element and rewrite it correctly.

D: "When you're always being dismissive of my ideas in front of the whole team..." E: "I feel like you're deliberately trying to undermine me." S: "I need you to start being more supportive." C: "Otherwise, things are going to get ugly."

Rewrite the full script correctly.

Exercise 15 [Synthesis] ★★★

Write DESC scripts for the same situation from three different communication modes. Then analyze what each version achieves and fails to achieve.

Situation: Your roommate has been playing music loudly after midnight several times this week, and you have early classes.

Write: 1. A passive version of addressing this (or not addressing it) 2. An aggressive version 3. A passive-aggressive version 4. An assertive DESC version

Then write a paragraph analyzing what each version achieves in the short term and its likely consequence in the long term.

Part D: Broken Record and Physical Assertiveness

Exercise 16 [Conceptual] ★

Explain the broken record technique in your own words. Then answer:

a. What is the broken record technique NOT — what might it look like from the outside that it is sometimes confused with?

b. What emotional regulation skill (from Chapter 7) does the broken record technique require most directly?

c. What is the point at which you should stop using the broken record and shift strategy? How do you know when that point has been reached?

Exercise 17 [Scenario] ★★

The following is a dialogue in which Sam is attempting to use the broken record technique. Evaluate his performance and rewrite any responses that miss the mark.

Sam: "Tyler, I need to talk about the deadline we missed on the Hendricks account." Tyler: "I told you, it wasn't my fault — the vendor was late." Sam: "I understand. But the account is still waiting and we need to figure out next steps." Tyler: "Why is this always my problem? What about your part of the project?" Sam: "You're right, I should have followed up sooner. I'm sorry." Tyler: "Exactly. So let's not act like this is only on me." Sam: "Fair point. I guess we both could have done things differently."

a. At what point did Sam abandon his assertive position?

b. Was the feedback Tyler gave about Sam's own role legitimate? How should Sam have handled that feedback while still maintaining his core message?

c. Rewrite Sam's half of the dialogue using proper broken record technique from the moment he first departed from his assertive position.

Exercise 18 [Applied] ★

Try this physical exercise before your next significant conversation:

Stand or sit upright, feet flat, shoulders back.
Practice saying your key assertive statement aloud, first with rising intonation, then with level/lowering intonation.
Note the difference in how each version feels in your body.

Write a brief reflection: What did you notice about the relationship between posture/voice and your internal sense of confidence?

Part E: Graduated Exposure

Exercise 19 [Applied] ★★

Build your personal assertiveness exposure hierarchy.

Step 1: Brainstorm 10 situations in your current life that call for assertiveness — from the mildest (asking a stranger for directions when you're lost, asking for your coffee order to be corrected) to the most anxiety-provoking (the hardest conversation you've been avoiding for months).

Step 2: Rank them from 1 (least anxiety-provoking) to 10 (most).

Step 3: For each item, rate your current anxiety level on a 0-10 scale if you imagine doing it right now.

Step 4: Identify which items you are ready to practice this week. Circle them.

Step 5: Commit to attempting at least two items in the coming week. Write the specific context (with whom, where, when).

Exercise 20 [Applied] ★★

After completing one item from your graduated exposure hierarchy in Exercise 19:

Write a brief debrief:

a. What did you say or do? b. What happened? What was the other person's response? c. What did you expect beforehand? How did the actual outcome compare to that expectation? d. What would you do differently next time? e. What did this experience teach you about the anti-assertiveness beliefs you've been holding?

Part F: Cultural and Gender Contexts

Exercise 21 [Conceptual] ★★

Define the following terms in your own words, drawing on the material in Section 10.5:

a. Individualist vs. collectivist cultural frame: How do these frames differ in their approach to the direct expression of individual needs?

b. High-context vs. low-context communication: What does each rely on? Give an example of each.

c. Face-negotiation theory (Ting-Toomey): What is "face"? What does it mean to "save face" or "lose face"? How does this shape assertiveness in collectivist contexts?

Exercise 22 [Scenario] ★★

Jade's professor has assigned her to a group project where she is the only member from her cultural background. The others in her group are accustomed to a very direct communication style and have been steamrolling her suggestions in meetings. Jade has good ideas that aren't being heard.

a. Design an adapted assertive approach for Jade that honors her cultural values while still ensuring her voice is heard. Include at least two specific strategies.

b. Jade's adapted approach is different from the "standard" DESC script. Is it still assertive? Explain your reasoning using the definition from the chapter.

c. If Jade's adapted approach consistently fails to get her ideas heard, at what point — if any — should she shift toward a more direct style? What considerations should guide that decision?

Exercise 23 [Conceptual] ★★

The communal-agentic double bind describes the penalty women often face for assertive behavior.

a. In your own words, explain what creates the double bind. What are the two contradictory expectations, and what is the "bind"?

b. The chapter argues that acknowledging the double bind does not mean abandoning assertiveness. Explain the reasoning behind this position. Do you agree? Why or why not?

c. What responsibility, if any, do organizations and social groups have to reduce the double bind? What would that look like in practice?

Exercise 24 [Scenario] ★★★

Dr. Priya Okafor has been passed over for a committee chair position she was clearly the most qualified candidate for. The decision-maker, Dr. Feldman, gave vague feedback about her being "a lot to manage in meetings." This is likely a reference to her direct, assertive communication style.

Design Priya's response strategy:

a. What assertive response might she give directly to Dr. Feldman about the feedback?

b. How should she account for the double bind in choosing her approach? What are the tradeoffs she's navigating?

c. What, if anything, should she change about how she communicates in future meetings — and what should she refuse to change?

d. Write a DESC script Priya could use in a follow-up conversation with Dr. Feldman about the feedback and the decision.

Part G: Synthesis and Integration

Exercise 25 [Synthesis] ★★★

This is the final chapter of Part 2: The Inner Work. Over Chapters 6-10, you have built:

Self-awareness (Ch. 6): knowing your patterns
Emotional regulation (Ch. 7): staying present under pressure
Cognitive accuracy (Ch. 8): catching distorted thinking
Psychological safety (Ch. 9): understanding what conditions make honesty possible
Assertiveness (Ch. 10): expressing yourself clearly and respectfully

Choose one difficult conversation from your current life — one you have been preparing for, or avoiding, or thinking about throughout this course.

Write a preparation document that draws on all five inner work areas:

Section 1 — Self-awareness: What patterns do you know you'll default to? What will be your first impulse under pressure?

Section 2 — Emotional regulation: What is your plan for managing the emotions this conversation will likely bring up? Which specific technique (from Ch. 7) will you use if you start to flood?

Section 3 — Cognitive accuracy: What automatic thoughts or distortions are you likely to bring into this conversation? Write the thought and the reframe.

Section 4 — Psychological safety: What can you do, before or at the start of the conversation, to establish enough safety that honest communication is possible?

Section 5 — Assertive expression: Write your full DESC script for this conversation.

Exercise 26 [Synthesis] ★★★

The chapter argues that assertiveness is the communication mode where inner work "becomes visible in speech."

Write a reflective essay (300-500 words) responding to this prompt: What has been the hardest part of the inner work in Part 2 for you, and how does that difficulty connect to how you communicate in confrontation?

Your essay should: - Reference at least two chapters from Part 2 (Chs. 6-9) - Name at least one specific belief from your own belief inventory - Describe how building assertiveness relates to — but is not the same as — the other inner work you've done - End with one specific commitment for how you will practice what you've learned

Exercise 27 [Applied] ★★★

This is the Marcus mirror exercise.

Tariq told Marcus something true that Marcus had never been told plainly: "You never say what you want. You just agree with everything and then seem annoyed later. I can't tell if you're upset or just quiet."

Imagine someone in your life who knows you well and is genuinely invested in your growth. Imagine they said to you, directly and kindly, exactly what they would say if they could say the truest thing about how you handle conflict.

a. Write what they would say. Be honest — this is for you.

b. What is the core observation? What pattern, habit, or belief does it point to?

c. What is your response — not the defensive first-impulse response, but the thoughtful second response?

d. What is one change you are willing to make?

These exercises will be revisited in Part 3 as you begin applying assertiveness to the language of confrontation.