Chapter 39 Exercises: Becoming a Confrontation Coach

Exercise 39.1 — Advising vs. Facilitating: Spot the Difference

Purpose: Build awareness of the automatic pull toward advice-giving and practice recognizing the coaching alternative.

Instructions: For each scenario below, two responses are provided — one advising, one facilitating. Label which is which and explain in 2–3 sentences why the facilitating response is likely to produce more durable results.

Scenario A: Your friend tells you: "My roommate keeps eating my food without asking. I've hinted at it but nothing changes. I don't want to make it a big deal."

Response 1: "Honestly, just tell her directly — the next time it happens, say 'Hey, I've noticed my food keeps disappearing. Can we talk about how we handle groceries?' Simple and done."

Response 2: "What's made it hard to bring up directly? And what would 'making it a big deal' look like — what are you afraid would happen?"

Label each. Explain the difference in the coaching logic.

Scenario B: A coworker says: "My manager keeps taking credit for my ideas in meetings. I don't know if I should say something or just let it go."

Response 1: "What do you think would be different about your working relationship if you addressed it vs. if you didn't?"

Response 2: "You should say something. This kind of thing gets worse, not better, if you stay quiet. Document your ideas in emails before meetings so there's a paper trail."

Scenario C: Your sibling says: "Mom and I had another huge fight. She said some things that were really hurtful and I don't know how to come back from it."

Response 1: "I know mom can be really difficult. Have you thought about just taking some space for a few weeks and letting things cool down before you try to talk again?"

Response 2: "What was it about what she said that felt most hurtful? And when you say you don't know how to come back from it — what would 'coming back' even look like to you?"

Reflection: After labeling all three, answer: Which type of response do you tend to give more naturally? What does that tell you about your helping instincts?

Exercise 39.2 — The Coaching Question Bank: Build Your Own

Purpose: Practice generating facilitating questions for common conflict situations.

Instructions: For each scenario below, write three coaching questions — one for each category: (1) understanding the situation, (2) surfacing their own analysis, and (3) preparing for the conversation.

Scenario 1: A friend is in conflict with a professor about a grade they believe was unfair.

Situation question: ___________

Analysis question: ___________

Preparation question: ___________

Scenario 2: A family member is in tension with a sibling about how an aging parent's care is being managed.

Situation question: ___________

Analysis question: ___________

Preparation question: ___________

Scenario 3: A colleague is frustrated that they were passed over for a project lead role and doesn't know whether or how to address it with their manager.

Situation question: ___________

Analysis question: ___________

Preparation question: ___________

Extension: Choose one of the above scenarios. Write a short (15-minute) coaching conversation in script form, using only questions and reflections — no advice. What does it look like when the person arrives at their own plan?

Exercise 39.3 — Shuttle Diplomacy Practice

Purpose: Practice the shuttle diplomacy role — carrying perspective, not information.

Scenario: You are close friends with both Miguel and Keisha. They have had a falling-out over a plan to move in together that fell through in a way that each believes the other handled badly. Both have talked to you separately. Miguel believes Keisha pulled out of the agreement without real cause, leaving him in a bind. Keisha believes Miguel was pressuring her to commit before she was ready and minimized her concerns when she tried to raise them.

Both stories have truth in them.

Part A — Perspective Translation

Without sharing either person's private disclosures, write what you would say to each person to carry perspective from the other. Remember: carry perspective, not information.

What you would say to Miguel: (Start with "I haven't heard her side in detail, but from what I can observe...")

What you would say to Keisha: (Start with "I haven't heard his side in detail, but from what I can observe...")

Part B — When They Ask Directly

Miguel says: "Has Keisha said anything to you about this?"

Write a response that is honest about your position without violating Keisha's confidence.

Keisha says: "I know you've talked to him. What does he think happened?"

Write a response that is honest about your position without violating Miguel's confidence.

Part C — Reflection

Shuttle diplomacy requires walking a line between transparency and confidentiality. Write a paragraph about where you think that line is for you personally. When does carrying perspective become taking sides?

Exercise 39.4 — Informal Mediation Simulation

Purpose: Apply the six-phase mediation structure in a low-stakes setting.

Instructions: This exercise works best in a group of three, though it can be adapted for a pair with one person doubling as observer.

Setup: Two people take the roles of parties in a conflict. One person takes the role of informal mediator. The conflict scenario is provided below.

Conflict Scenario: Jordan and Alex have been close friends for four years. Recently, Jordan was offered a job opportunity that required them to cancel a trip that Jordan and Alex had been planning for eight months. Alex is hurt and feels like their friendship is consistently deprioritized when Jordan's career is involved. Jordan feels unsupported and like Alex cannot understand the pressures they are under. They have not spoken in two weeks.

Mediator Task: Conduct a 20-minute informal mediation. Follow the six-phase structure: 1. Opening (set purpose and ground rules — 2 minutes) 2. Individual storytelling (uninterrupted, 3–4 minutes each) 3. Identifying needs and interests (look for what is underneath the stated positions) 4. Finding common ground 5. Generating options 6. Reaching a specific agreement and closing

Debrief Questions (for the group): - What did the mediator do that helped? What made it harder? - At what moments did the mediator's own opinion or neutrality feel strained? - What agreement did the parties reach? Is it specific enough to hold? - What would have happened without the mediator's help?

Exercise 39.5 — Ethical Limits Self-Assessment

Purpose: Identify your personal strengths and edge cases in the ethical territory of the helper role.

Instructions: Rate yourself on each dimension (1 = struggle with this / 5 = strong here) and write 2–3 sentences explaining your rating.

Reflection: Look at your two lowest-rated dimensions. For each one, describe a specific situation in which your limitation in this area could cause harm. Then describe one thing you could do to strengthen it.

Exercise 39.6 — The "Too Close to Help" Moment

Purpose: Practice recognizing when your own stake in a conflict disqualifies you from effective helping.

Scenario: Your two closest friends — Danielle and Paul — are in a serious conflict. The conflict has roots in something Paul said about Danielle's career choice that she found dismissive. But you know, because Danielle has told you privately, that she has also been struggling with whether that career choice is right for her. And you know, because Paul has told you privately, that he's been worried about Danielle's happiness for months but didn't know how to raise it.

You also have your own opinion: you think Danielle needs to hear what Paul tried to say, even if he said it clumsily.

Questions:

1. What makes you the wrong person to be the coach or mediator in this situation?

2. What specifically would you be tempted to do that would compromise your effectiveness?

3. What would it look like to be helpful to both of them without taking on the coaching role?

4. If Danielle directly asks "You know Paul — am I missing something?", what do you say?

5. At what point, if any, do you think it would be appropriate to share your opinion? What changes the ethical calculation?

Exercise 39.7 — Putting It Together: A Real Coaching Conversation

Purpose: Apply all chapter concepts in a real-world practice conversation.

Instructions: Identify someone in your life who is currently navigating a conflict of any kind. Ask them if they would be willing to have a 20-minute conversation in which you help them think through it — not by giving advice, but by asking questions.

Conduct the coaching conversation. Afterward, write a 1-2 page reflection addressing:

1. What questions did you ask, and which were most useful? Why?
2. When were you tempted to advise rather than facilitate? Did you catch yourself?
3. What did the person arrive at on their own that surprised you?
4. What did you learn about your own default helping style?
5. What would you do differently next time?

Note: You do not need to share the details of the other person's conflict in your reflection. Focus on your own experience of the coaching role.