Chapter 36 Exercises: Chronic Conflict

These exercises progress from conceptual understanding through scenario analysis to applied personal work and synthesis. Some exercises require genuine personal honesty — approach them as you would a private journal, not a public assignment.

Conceptual Exercises ★

Exercise 36.1 [Conceptual] ★ Explain in your own words why Gottman's finding that 69% of couple conflicts are "perpetual" is considered a positive insight about relationships, not a depressing one. What does it change about the goal of conflict resolution?

Exercise 36.2 [Conceptual] ★ Define the term "isomorph" as used in systems theory and explain, with an original example, what it means for two conflicts to be isomorphic even when their surface topics differ.

Exercise 36.3 [Conceptual] ★ What is the difference between a "pseudo-resolution" and a genuine resolution of a conflict? Describe what each looks like in the hours and days after a difficult conversation.

Exercise 36.4 [Conceptual] ★ Systems theory proposes that behaviors that persist are serving a function. Explain this idea in plain language and give two examples (not from the text) of how a recurring conflict might be serving a function for one or both parties.

Exercise 36.5 [Conceptual] ★ Define "unilateral change" in the context of circular conflict patterns. What is the theoretical basis for why changing your own behavior can change the system's behavior, even if the other person doesn't consciously participate?

Exercise 36.6 [Conceptual] ★ Distinguish between a communication problem and a structural problem in chronic conflict. Give one clear example of each. Why does misidentifying the category lead to misapplied solutions?

Exercise 36.7 [Conceptual] ★ What is the "dreams within conflict" framework? What does it add to our understanding of perpetual problems beyond the circular pattern model?

Scenario Exercises ★★

Exercise 36.8 [Scenario] ★★ Read the following description and answer the questions below.

Kenji and his mother have the same fight every time he visits home. It starts when she comments on something about his life — his diet, his apartment, his relationship. He responds defensively. She says he's too sensitive. He says she never respects his choices. She gets quiet and hurt. He feels guilty and eventually apologizes. They're pleasant for the rest of the visit. Three months later, it happens again.

a) Map the circular pattern described. Identify: trigger, Kenji's response, mother's counter-response, pseudo-resolution. b) What hidden payoff might Kenji's mother be getting from this pattern? What might Kenji be getting? c) At what point in this loop does Kenji have the most leverage for pattern interruption? d) Suggest one specific "one thing different" intervention Kenji could try.

Exercise 36.9 [Scenario] ★★ A workplace team has been having the same conflict for eighteen months: the marketing department says the product team never consults them early enough in the development process; the product team says marketing always wants input at a stage where changes are impossible. They have held three facilitated sessions about this, produced a communication protocol, and the problem has continued unchanged.

a) Is this more likely a communication problem or a structural problem? What evidence from the description supports your answer? b) What structural change might actually address the underlying conflict? c) What communication skill work, if any, would still be useful alongside a structural change?

Exercise 36.10 [Scenario] ★★ Two college roommates fight repeatedly about cleanliness. One is highly orderly; the other is relaxed about mess. They have negotiated agreements three times, and each time the agreement holds for two weeks before the original pattern returns.

a) Apply the sustainability analysis dimensions to this situation. (You will need to make reasonable assumptions about the relationship value, trajectory, and personal cost dimensions.) b) What does the failure of three negotiated agreements tell you about the nature of this conflict? c) Is this a solvable problem or a perpetual problem? Defend your answer.

Exercise 36.11 [Scenario] ★★ Priya reflects on the "you're never here" conflict with James and does the payoff audit. She discovers — honestly — that one of her payoffs is that the conflict allows her to feel righteous about her sacrifice without having to examine whether she genuinely wants the life she's living. How might this discovery change how she approaches the next iteration of the conflict? What would she need to do with this insight?

Exercise 36.12 [Scenario] ★★ Sam notices that Nadia's "mirroring" of his patterns — her gentle, accurate observations about his shutdown behavior — sometimes makes him feel more seen and sometimes makes him feel ambushed. Analyze this ambivalence using the concepts from Section 36.2 (hidden payoffs) and Section 36.3 (pattern interruption). What might Sam's ambivalence be telling him?

Exercise 36.13 [Scenario] ★★ A father and adult son have had the same argument about the son's career choices for eleven years. The father believes the son chose a profession that was too risky; the son believes the father never respected his autonomy. Using the "dreams within conflict" framework, identify what core dream each party is protecting. What would a dialogue (rather than gridlock) conversation about this conflict look like?

Applied Exercises ★★★

Exercise 36.14 [Applied] ★★★ Select a chronic conflict from your own life. Complete the Chronic Conflict Mapping Worksheet in full (all six parts). Write a one-page reflection on what you discovered — specifically: what surprised you, what you had been unwilling to see, and what the payoff audit revealed.

If you do not wish to use a current conflict, you may use a past one that has since resolved or ended.

Exercise 36.15 [Applied] ★★★ Design a "one thing different" experiment for a chronic conflict you are currently experiencing or have recently experienced. Specify: a) The exact point in the loop where you will intervene b) Your current automatic response at that point c) Three different responses you could try instead d) How you will recognize the early warning signal that the pattern is beginning e) How you will track and debrief the experiment

Exercise 36.16 [Applied] ★★★ Conduct a full sustainability analysis for a chronic conflict (real or detailed hypothetical). Present your findings in a structured format, addressing all five dimensions: energy, trajectory, relationship value, change potential, and personal cost. Based on your analysis, articulate what the next step is — and what it would cost you to take it.

Exercise 36.17 [Applied] ★★★ Write the "dream" speech for both sides of a chronic conflict you know well (either yours or one you know closely from someone else's life). This is a practice from Gottman's intervention: each person articulates, in non-accusatory terms, the core dream they are protecting in the conflict. What does each person fundamentally need? How are these dreams related to their personal history?

Exercise 36.18 [Applied] ★★★ Interview someone you trust about a chronic conflict they have experienced (with their consent). Ask them to describe the pattern, their experience of it, and what they've tried. Using the concepts from this chapter, develop a brief analysis of their chronic conflict: its circular pattern, likely hidden payoffs, whether it's communication or structural, and what a path toward dialogue (not resolution) might look like.

Synthesis Exercises ★★★

Exercise 36.19 [Synthesis] ★★★ Chapter 8 showed how cognitive distortions perpetuate conflict through thought patterns. This chapter shows how behavioral systems perpetuate conflict through action patterns. Write an essay (800–1,200 words) examining how these two levels — cognitive and behavioral — interact in a chronic conflict. Use a specific example to illustrate how changing either the cognitive pattern or the behavioral pattern affects the other.

Exercise 36.20 [Synthesis] ★★★ Gottman distinguishes among dialogue, avoidance, and gridlock as three relationships to a perpetual problem. Choose a relationship type (romantic partnership, workplace collaboration, parent-adult child) and analyze: what organizational or cultural factors push that relationship type toward gridlock rather than dialogue? What would need to change — at the cultural or structural level, not just the individual skill level — to support dialogue?

Exercise 36.21 [Synthesis] ★★★ Design a one-hour workshop on chronic conflict for a specific audience (choose: couples, workplace teams, or family systems). Your workshop should address: how to map a chronic conflict, the payoff audit, pattern interruption, and one tool for moving toward dialogue. Include learning objectives, the core activities, and the materials you would use. Explain why you made the choices you did for this specific audience.

Exercise 36.22 [Synthesis] ★★★ Systems theory's principle that "behaviors that persist serve a function" has critics who argue that it pathologizes victims — implying, for instance, that people who remain in abusive relationships are "getting something" from the conflict. Engage this critique seriously. Where does the systems perspective have genuine explanatory power? Where does it need to be qualified or corrected? What ethical responsibilities come with using payoff analysis in conflict work?

Exercise 36.23 [Synthesis] ★★★ The sustainability analysis asks, ultimately, whether a person should continue engaging with a chronic conflict or consider exiting. Write a reflection on the ethical dimensions of this question. Who gets to decide what's sustainable? What do you owe someone with whom you have a chronic conflict before deciding to exit? What do you owe yourself? How should power differentials (in a hierarchical workplace, in a family with a dependent member, in a relationship with economic inequality) affect the analysis?

Exercise 36.24 [Synthesis] ★★★ Compare and contrast how chronic conflict operates in three different relationship contexts: (a) an intimate partnership, (b) a workplace peer relationship, and (c) a parent-adult child relationship. For each context: what makes chronic conflict in this relationship type distinctive? What intervention strategies work best? What sustainability considerations are unique to this context?

Exercise 36.25 [Synthesis] ★★★ Return to Priya and James's circular pattern as described in the chapter. Write the meta-conversation they have not yet had — the conversation about the pattern itself, held outside the pattern. This conversation should: demonstrate the dreams within conflict framework in action, show both parties understanding the other's dream at a real level, and arrive at a temporary management agreement. Reflect afterward: what made this conversation hard to write? What does that tell you about why such conversations are rare?