Chapter 3 Exercises: Conflict Styles — How You Naturally Respond (and Why)

These exercises are organized by type and difficulty. Complete them in sequence for the fullest learning experience, or use your instructor's guidance to select specific exercises for your context.

Exercise Types: - [Conceptual] — Understanding the framework - [Scenario] — Applying concepts to situations - [Applied] — Using the tools in your own life - [Synthesis] — Connecting and integrating multiple ideas

Difficulty: - ★ — Beginner - ★★ — Intermediate - ★★★ — Advanced

Section 1: Conceptual Exercises

Exercise 1 [Conceptual] ★

In your own words, define the two dimensions of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument: assertiveness and cooperativeness. Then explain why these are described as independent dimensions rather than two ends of a single scale. Give an example of a person who is high on both dimensions, and a person who is low on both dimensions.

Exercise 2 [Conceptual] ★

List the five TKI conflict modes. For each one, complete the following sentence without looking at your notes:

"The _ mode is characterized by _ assertiveness and _ cooperativeness. A person using this mode is likely trying to _, and a situation where this mode makes sense is ____."

After completing all five from memory, check your work against the chapter. Note any gaps or surprises.

Exercise 3 [Conceptual] ★

The chapter argues that "no conflict style is universally good or universally bad." This challenges the common assumption that collaboration is always the best approach and avoidance is always the worst.

a) Describe a situation in which avoiding is the most intelligent choice available. b) Describe a situation in which collaborating would be a poor choice. c) Describe a situation in which competing is not only acceptable but ethically required.

For each situation, explain which TKI dimension(s) make that mode the right fit.

Exercise 4 [Conceptual] ★★

The TKI distinguishes between "mode" (flexible, situationally chosen behavior) and "style" (a fixed trait). In practice, most people operate as though their conflict response is a style — automatic and consistent.

a) What factors, according to the chapter, cause a mode to become a style? b) What would need to change — internally or externally — for a person to shift from operating in style-mode (automatic) to mode-mode (flexible)? c) Is there any conflict context in which having a fixed style might actually be advantageous? Explain.

Exercise 5 [Conceptual] ★★

The chapter discusses how family of origin shapes conflict style. Compare and contrast the following two developmental paths:

Path A: A child grows up in a household where conflict is loud, frequent, and unresolved.
Path B: A child grows up in a household where conflict is never visible — disagreements happen privately or not at all.

For each path, describe: (1) what the child is likely to conclude about what conflict means; (2) which TKI modes they are most likely to develop as defaults; and (3) one way this default might serve them as an adult, and one way it might limit them.

Exercise 6 [Conceptual] ★★

Deborah Tannen's research on gender and conflict identified that men and women in American culture are often socialized into different conversational frameworks around status and connection.

a) Explain what Tannen means by the distinction between a "status lens" and a "connection lens" in conflict. b) How might these different lenses lead to genuinely different conflict styles — not because of biology, but because of socialization? c) What is the risk of using gender as an explanation for conflict style differences? What important nuance does the chapter add?

Exercise 7 [Conceptual] ★★★

The chapter introduces the concept of "strategic avoidance" versus "automatic avoidance." Draw a clear conceptual distinction between these two types of avoiding behavior.

a) What internal process distinguishes strategic avoidance from automatic avoidance? b) Could the same external behavior (declining to engage, going silent, postponing a conversation) be either strategic or automatic depending on the person? How would you tell the difference from the inside? c) Propose two behavioral indicators an outside observer might use to distinguish strategic from automatic avoidance in someone they were watching.

Section 2: Scenario Exercises

Exercise 8 [Scenario] ★

Read the following scenario and identify which TKI mode each person is using. Then evaluate whether that mode is the most appropriate one for the situation.

Scenario: Amara and Deon are co-leading a student organization. They disagree about whether to hold their annual fundraiser in October or November. October is Amara's strong preference because of timing. Deon has a personal conflict in November but says he can work around it. Amara says, "Let's do October — it makes more logistical sense and we've always done it then." Deon says, "Fine, October works. Whatever you think is best." The conversation ends in ninety seconds.

a) What mode is Amara using? b) What mode is Deon using? c) Has the conflict been resolved? Has it been solved? d) What would a collaborating conversation between these two look like?

Exercise 9 [Scenario] ★

Marcus Chen, our pre-law student, is assigned to take minutes at a paralegal firm meeting. His supervisor Diane tells him afterward that his minutes were "too informal" — but Marcus is certain he was following the format Diane herself had given him three months ago.

For each of the five TKI modes, write one or two sentences describing what Marcus's response would look like if he used that mode.

Then indicate: which mode is most likely Marcus's default given his characterization in the chapter? Which mode would be most appropriate for this situation, and why?

Exercise 10 [Scenario] ★★

Sam Nguyen is in a meeting with his boss, Marcus Webb. Tyler has missed his fourth consecutive deliverable. Marcus says: "So, how's Tyler doing? Anything I should know about?"

Sam knows this is the opening. He could raise the performance issue. He also knows that Marcus will likely deflect, express vague concern, and then do nothing — which is his pattern. Sam says, "He's doing okay — I think he's just been swamped. We're managing."

a) Identify Sam's conflict mode in this moment. b) What are the short-term costs of this response? The long-term costs? c) Draft what a competing response from Sam would look like. d) Draft what a collaborating response from Sam would look like. e) Which do you think is most appropriate given the power dynamics between Sam and Webb? Why?

Exercise 11 [Scenario] ★★

Jade Flores comes home from her conflict resolution seminar energized. She wants to try being more direct with Rosa about her class schedule and work hours. At dinner, she begins: "Mom, I want to talk about my schedule. I know you have concerns about my hours, and I want to explain what my semester looks like."

Rosa listens for about forty-five seconds and then begins talking about her own week at work — effectively changing the subject.

a) What conflict mode is Rosa using in this moment? b) What are the possible reasons Rosa might shift the subject — based on the developmental origins discussed in the chapter? c) If Jade wants to honor both her own need to be heard and her relationship with her mother, which TKI mode would best serve this moment? d) Write a brief (three to five sentence) dialogue showing what Jade could say that demonstrates that mode.

Exercise 12 [Scenario] ★★

Dr. Priya Okafor is in a difficult meeting with Dr. Harmon, who is raising an objection to her proposed staffing restructure. Harmon's concern is genuine: he believes the restructure will increase resident burnout. Priya believes Harmon is overstating the risk and that the efficiency gains are worth it.

a) What mode is Priya likely to default to in this conversation, based on her characterization in the chapter? b) What is the cost of that default here, if Harmon's concern about resident burnout is legitimate? c) How would a collaborating approach look different from a competing approach in this specific meeting? d) Is there a version of this conversation where compromising is the right call, rather than collaborating? Under what conditions?

Exercise 13 [Scenario] ★★

The following five statements are made by people in the middle of conflict conversations. For each, identify which TKI mode the speaker is demonstrating and explain your reasoning.

"I understand you have a perspective on this, but I've made my decision. This is how we're moving forward."
"Can we table this until Thursday? I don't think either of us is in a state to have this conversation productively right now."
"I'm willing to adjust my position on the timeline if you're willing to adjust yours on the budget. Does that feel workable?"
"You know what, if this is really that important to you, let's do it your way. I can make it work."
"I want to understand exactly what you're concerned about — and I want you to understand what's important to me. I think there's a solution here that actually works for both of us."

Exercise 14 [Scenario] ★★★

The chapter describes the "avoiding boss and the avoiding employee" dynamic between Sam and Marcus Webb. Analyze this system using the TKI framework.

a) In a system where both parties are avoiders, what happens to conflict? Does it disappear, or does it transform? Into what? b) What would need to change — in Sam, in Webb, or in the system — for the Tyler situation to be addressed? c) The chapter suggests that Sam could shift to collaborating or competing. Describe the specific risks Sam faces in using each of those modes given Webb's avoiding style. Which risks are greater? d) Is there a mode Sam could use that would be effective even if Webb remains an avoider? Explain.

Exercise 15 [Scenario] ★★★

Design a scenario of your own — based on a real or realistic conflict in a workplace, family, or educational context — where:

The "obvious" conflict mode (the one the person instinctively reaches for) makes the situation worse.
A less obvious mode, chosen after deliberate situational analysis, produces a significantly better outcome.

Write the scenario (250–400 words), identify the modes, explain the situational analysis that leads to the better choice, and discuss what made the deliberate choice difficult to make.

Section 3: Applied Exercises

Exercise 16 [Applied] ★

Retake the self-assessment from Section 3.5 of the chapter, this time answering the questions with a specific domain in mind — choose one: (a) your family relationships, (b) your friendships, (c) school or work relationships, or (d) romantic relationships.

Compare your results to the first time you took it. Are your scores different across domains? If so, what does that tell you about how context shapes your conflict behavior?

Exercise 17 [Applied] ★★

Identify one ongoing or recent conflict in your own life where your default mode was not serving you well.

a) Describe the conflict briefly (without identifying others by name if you prefer). b) Identify your default mode in that situation. c) Explain, using the six diagnostic questions from Section 3.4, what mode would have been more appropriate. d) Write out what you would have said or done differently using that mode.

Exercise 18 [Applied] ★★

Interview someone you trust — a friend, family member, mentor, or roommate — and ask them the following three questions:

"When you've seen me in conflict, how would you describe my approach?"
"Is there a situation you can think of where you wished I'd handled a conflict differently?"
"Do I seem like someone who avoids conflict, meets it head-on, or something else?"

Record their responses (with their permission). Then write a brief (one page) reflection: What surprised you? What confirmed what you already thought? What gap, if any, exists between how you experience yourself in conflict and how others experience you?

Exercise 19 [Applied] ★★

Identify a conflict you've been avoiding — one that you know needs to be addressed but haven't engaged with. Answer the six situational diagnostic questions from Section 3.4 about this conflict.

Based on your analysis, write a brief (half-page) preparation plan: - What mode will you use, and why? - What will you say to open the conversation? - What is the worst-case outcome you fear, and how realistic is it? - What is the best-case outcome?

You do not have to have the conversation before your next class session, but you should be prepared to discuss your preparation plan.

Exercise 20 [Applied] ★★★

Spend one week observing your conflict behavior in real time. Keep a brief conflict journal — three to five entries, each describing a moment of actual or potential conflict in your day. For each entry, record:

What happened (brief description)
What mode you used (or defaulted to)
Whether it was automatic or deliberate
What the outcome was
What mode, in retrospect, might have served better — or confirmation that you used the right one

At the end of the week, write a one-page reflection on what patterns you noticed across your entries.

Section 4: Synthesis Exercises

Exercise 21 [Synthesis] ★★

Chapter 1 argued that avoidance has real, measurable costs. Chapter 3 argues that avoiding can be the most intelligent mode in the right situation.

a) How do you reconcile these two claims? Write a paragraph that integrates both without contradicting either. b) Propose a criterion — or a set of criteria — for distinguishing "appropriate avoidance" from "costly avoidance" that could be applied in real-world situations.

Exercise 22 [Synthesis] ★★

Chapter 2 introduced the Five-Layer Model of conflict, which includes the surface issue, the structural issue, the relational history, the emotional layer, and the identity layer.

Choose any one of the five TKI modes and analyze how it might interact with each layer. For example: When a person competes, what are they likely doing to the emotional layer? To the identity layer? What about when a person accommodates?

Write a one-to-two page analysis using one mode of your choice.

Exercise 23 [Synthesis] ★★

The chapter describes cultural conditioning as a significant force shaping conflict style. At the same time, it argues that situational flexibility is a learnable skill.

a) Is there a tension between respecting cultural norms around conflict and developing situational flexibility? Can someone honor their cultural identity and also expand their conflict mode range? b) Jade Flores is navigating exactly this tension. Using what you know about her situation, describe a realistic path forward for Jade that honors both her family's relational values and her growing capacity for assertiveness.

Exercise 24 [Synthesis] ★★

Compare and contrast the accommodating mode and the collaborating mode. Both are high on cooperativeness — but they differ substantially in what they produce.

a) What does a person feel during genuine accommodation, compared to what they feel during genuine collaboration? b) What does the other party receive from each mode — how does the experience of being accommodated differ from the experience of being collaborated with? c) Under what conditions might accommodating actually be more generous and relational than collaborating?

Exercise 25 [Synthesis] ★★★

The chapter states that "default conflict style is not destiny." Drawing on the developmental origins discussed in Section 3.3, construct an argument for how a person might meaningfully shift their default mode over time.

Your argument should address: - What would need to happen at the level of awareness? - What would need to happen at the level of belief or meaning? - What would need to happen at the level of behavior (repeated practice)? - What role, if any, does therapy or outside support play in this process?

Write this as a structured argument of at least 400 words.

Exercise 26 [Synthesis] ★★★

Design a short workshop (one to two pages in outline form) for a team of eight people who work together regularly and who, based on a TKI assessment, have the following distribution: three avoiders, two competitors, two accommodators, one collaborator.

Your workshop should: - Help the team understand the distribution and its implications for how they work together - Address the specific risks of this particular configuration (e.g., what happens when three avoiders and two competitors try to make decisions together?) - Include at least two activities that would help the team practice situational flexibility - Propose norms the team could adopt going forward

Exercise 27 [Synthesis] ★★★

Across the chapter's character vignettes, we see four people — Sam, Priya, Jade, and Marcus — each using their default mode in ways that serve them in some contexts and limit them in others.

Choose two of these characters and write a comparative analysis (400–500 words) that addresses: - What each character's default mode is and how it developed (based on what the chapter implies or states) - A situation in which each character's default is genuinely the right call - A situation in which each character's default creates a problem - What one concrete shift each character could make — in mode selection, not personality — that would expand their effectiveness

Exercise 28 [Synthesis] ★★★

The chapter draws a distinction between "winning the argument and losing the relationship." This idea is implied throughout but never explicitly theorized.

Write a 400–500 word essay that does the following: - Defines what it means to "win" a conflict — is it getting the outcome you wanted? Maintaining your integrity? Preserving the relationship? All of these simultaneously? - Explains how the competing mode makes certain kinds of "winning" more likely while making others less likely - Proposes a definition of "successful conflict resolution" that accounts for both the outcome dimension and the relational dimension - Reflects on whether there are situations where "winning the argument" is the right priority, even at some relational cost

Exercise 29 [Scenario] ★★★

Role-play exercise (for classroom or partner use):

You and a partner will each receive a role card. One person plays a character who defaults to competing; the other defaults to accommodating. The scenario: you are two housemates dividing up household responsibilities for the semester.

After the role-play (5–7 minutes), discuss: - What did the interaction feel like from inside your role? - What did you notice about how the accommodating person's silence was interpreted by the competing person? - What would a collaborating version of this conversation have required from each of you?

Write a one-page reflection after the discussion.

Exercise 30 [Applied] ★★★

Final integrative exercise:

Write a 500–700 word personal conflict profile that includes: 1. Your primary default mode, with evidence from the self-assessment and/or your own observation 2. A second domain (work, family, friendships, etc.) where your mode shifts — and what that shift tells you 3. The developmental origin story of your default (family, culture, gender socialization, or significant experience) — as best you can reconstruct it 4. One mode you almost never use, and one real-life situation in the past year where using it would have produced a better outcome 5. One specific, concrete intention for the next two weeks related to conflict behavior — not a vague goal like "be more assertive," but a specific action in a specific relationship or situation