Chapter 6 — Key Takeaways
The one-line why
The West defaults quickly to first names — because they express individualism and equality — and the anxiety of "what do I call you?" disappears once you know the rules and can simply ask.
Core ideas
- Name structure: given (first) name + optional middle + family (last) name. On forms: First/Given vs. Last/Surname/Family.
- First names, fast in the US/Canada/Australia (with almost everyone); slower in the UK; start formal in Germany/France and wait to be invited down.
- Universal safe rule: when unsure, go one notch more formal and let them downgrade you — or just ask, "What would you like me to call you?"
- Titles: "Ms." is the safe default for women (marital-status-neutral); get Dr./Professor right in medical/academic settings; many casual US settings drop titles entirely.
- Call people what they introduce themselves as — "Bob," not "Robert." Nicknames often differ wildly from the full name.
- Don't assume married names (keep/hyphenate/change all happen).
- Your own name = your choice: keep it and teach it, offer a short form of your own name, or adopt an English name — all valid, none forced. Offer a pronunciation guide; correct kindly. Warmth makes people try harder — relaxed friendliness about your name beats visible irritation.
- Name-order mismatch: translate your name into "given/family" once, consistently, anchored to your passport; clarify proactively for family-name-first names. Align every document (visa, bank, work, health) to the passport once, to avoid "name mismatch" friction.
- Names encode values: family-name-first (Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Hungarian) reflects collectivism (the family precedes the individual); given-name-first reflects individualism.
- Use the names and pronouns people give you; a quick correction-and-move-on if you slip.
Do / Don't
| Do | Don't |
|---|---|
| Use the first name people offer ("call me Dave" → Dave) | Keep using "Mr. Lastname" after being invited to be casual |
| Default to "Ms." for women | Guess "Mrs." or "Miss" |
| Keep/teach/shorten your name by your choice (warmly) | Let others rename you for their convenience |
| Map your name consistently to passport across all docs | Let documents disagree (causes mismatches) |
| Ask "what do you go by?" | Assume the nickname or the name order |
Glossary terms introduced
- Given name / forename / first name — your personal name (comes first in Western order).
- Family name / surname / last name — shared family name (comes last in Western order).
- Ms. / Mr. / Mrs. / Miss / Mx. — courtesy titles; "Ms." is the neutral default for women.
- "To go by" — to be known/called as ("she goes by Liz").
- Nickname — informal short form of a name (William → Bill).
- Name-order mismatch — confusion when family-name-first names hit Western first/last boxes.
The recurring theme this chapter advances
Themes #2 and #4: the why (individualism + equality) explains the first-name default; and your name = your choice embodies adapting without losing yourself. Name order even encodes the individualism/collectivism difference grammatically.
Anchor connection
Supports the job interview (addressing the interviewer correctly) and everyday first impressions — the gateway to every relationship in the book. Case studies: Xiaoli (your name, your choice) and Wang Lei (the name-order/document mismatch).
Bridge to Chapter 7
You know what to call people. Next: what to do in the first seconds — the handshake, the "how are you?" that isn't a question, and the small talk that's somehow not optional. On to greetings and small talk.