Chapter 7 — Exercises

Small talk is a skill you build by doing it. These exercises give you scripts and reps. Sample answers for closed items follow.

A. What Would You Do?

Scenario 1: The hallway "how are you?"

A colleague passes and says "Hey, how's it going?" without slowing down. You: - (a) Stop them and explain how you really feel. - (b) Say "Good, you?" and keep moving. - (c) Say nothing, confused. - (d) Give a long honest answer to their back as they walk away.

Scenario 2: The quiet lunch

At a work lunch, everyone's chatting about weekends and weather. You find it pointless and stay silent. Later you're told you seem "hard to get to know." You: - (a) Conclude small talk is fake and refuse to do it. - (b) Reframe small talk as relationship infrastructure and start joining in with a friendly question or two. - (c) Decide these people are shallow. - (d) Only speak when the topic is "deep."

Scenario 3: "We should grab coffee sometime!"

A new acquaintance says this warmly as you part. You: - (a) Wait for them to schedule it, then feel betrayed when they don't. - (b) Take it as a friendly signal and, if you're interested, propose a specific time: "I'd love that — are you free Thursday?" - (c) Assume they were lying. - (d) Never speak to them again.

Scenario 4: The greeting collision (new)

You move from a hugging/cheek-kissing culture to a first business meeting in Germany. Your instinct is to greet warmly and physically. You: - (a) Go in for a hug and a cheek kiss anyway — warmth is universal. - (b) Offer a firm, brief handshake and let any warmth build over time. - (c) Wait, read the other person, and mirror what they initiate (defaulting to a handshake). - (d) Avoid touching anyone and seem stiff.

Scenario 5: The intrusive "compliment" you receive (new)

A Western acquaintance keeps things light and never asks about your salary, marriage plans, or weight — topics your home culture treats as normal warm interest. You: - (a) Feel they're cold or uninterested in your real life. - (b) Recognize that withholding those questions is Western politeness (privacy), not distance — and match it. - (c) Ask them those questions to force closeness. - (d) Wait for deeper topics to arise naturally as the relationship grows.

Choose and justify each. Why does turning a "signal" into a "plan" require you to propose specifics? Why is not-asking-personal-questions a form of respect in the West?

B. Decode This

  1. "How's it going?" (said while walking past)
  2. "We should do this again sometime!"
  3. "How was your weekend?"
  4. "Let's catch up soon."
  5. "Can't complain." / "Living the dream." (flat tone)
  6. (new) "We'll have to get the families together!"
  7. (new) "How are you settling in?"

C. Translate Between Cultures

Task 1 — Receive a compliment. A colleague says "Great presentation!" Write: 1. A deflecting response (the modest style of many cultures). 2. The smooth Western response. 3. Why can heavy deflection feel awkward to a Western complimenter?

Task 2 — Right-size the topic. You've just met someone at a party. Rewrite each too-personal opener into safe small talk: 1. "How much do you earn?" 2. "Why aren't you married yet?" 3. "You look like you've gained weight — are you okay?"

Task 3 — Build the doorway (new). Write a 4-line small-talk exchange with a new colleague that moves from greeting → safe topic → a follow-up question → a light signal toward future contact ("we should grab lunch — what's your week like?"). Notice how depth is reached, not jumped to.

D. Culture-Shock Journal

  1. The "fake" feeling. Does Western small talk feel hollow to you? Where does that feeling come from in your home culture?
  2. Infrastructure reframe. Recall a small-talk exchange that did lead somewhere (a contact, a friend, an opportunity). What did the "doorway" open?
  3. Your safe topics. List five small-talk topics you feel comfortable starting in your new culture.
  4. Ritual vs. claim (new). Dmitri's breakthrough was seeing "how are you?" as a ritual of goodwill, not a claim of intimacy. Re-read one "fake" exchange you've had through that lens. Does it still feel fake?

E. Ask a Local

Ask a Western friend: - "What topics are off-limits in small talk here?" - "When someone says 'we should hang out,' how do you tell if they mean it?" - (new) "What's a question that would feel too personal to ask someone you just met?"

Record the answer; compare to the chapter.

F. Self-Assessment

Rate 1–5: 1. My handshake is firm, brief, with eye contact. 2. I answer "how are you?" smoothly as a greeting. 3. I can start and sustain small talk with a stranger. 4. I avoid the "dangerous" topics with new acquaintances. 5. I accept compliments with a simple "thank you."

Note date and scores. (Appendix J collects the book's self-assessments; Appendix G has small-talk scripts.)

Sample Answers & Discussion

A: 1 → (b) (it's a greeting, not a question). 2 → (b) — small talk is the doorway to real connection; refusing it (a/c/d) slams a door and reads as cold, not deep. 3 → (b) — "we should grab coffee" is a signal; it becomes a plan only when someone names a specific time, and you can be the one to do that. 4 → (c) (or (b)) — read and mirror, defaulting to a handshake; importing hugs/kisses into a German first meeting (a) creates friction. 5 → (b)/(d) — not asking about money/marriage/weight is Western privacy-as-politeness, not coldness; match it and let depth arrive over time. Why you propose specifics: the other person may have meant it warmly but won't necessarily schedule it; specificity is how the West converts warmth into appointments (and tests whether interest is mutual).

B — Decode This: 1 = "hello" (reply "good, you?"). 2 = a friendly signal ("I enjoyed this"), not a firm plan. 3 = friendly interest/greeting — give a light, positive answer and ask back. 4 = warm intent, not a scheduled commitment until specifics appear. 5 = ritual replies meaning "I'm fine" / sarcastically "ordinary day" (Chapter 29). 6 = a warm signal, not a firm plan (yet). 7 = genuine, kind interest in a newcomer — a real (if light) question; a brief honest-positive answer is welcome.

C — Task 1: (1) Deflect: "Oh, it was nothing, I barely prepared." (2) Western: "Thank you! I'm really glad it landed." (3) Heavy deflection can feel like you're contradicting the complimenter or fishing for more praise; "thank you" simply accepts their kindness. Task 2 models: (1) → "What do you do for work?" / "What kind of work are you in?" (2) → "Do you have family here, or back home?" (3) → (don't comment on bodies) → "How have you been? It's good to see you." Task 3: the point is the progression — greeting → weather/weekend → a curious follow-up → a light future signal; depth is built one safe step at a time.

D, E, F are personal — your honest reflection is the answer.